N
nehno2
Guest
"i am no older than you neh" i bet u said that like sean connery
-
Help Support The Rugby Forum :
S
Spikey
Guest
Last Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long
johns and dressed quietly.
I made a lunch, grabbed the dog and went to the garage
to hook up the boat to the truck and down the driveway
I went. Coming out of the garage rain is pouring down;
it is like a torrential downpour.
There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is
blowing 50 mph. Minutes later, I returned to the
garage. I came back into the house and turned the TV
to the weather channel. I find it's going to be bad
weather all day long, so I put the boat back in the
garage, quietly undressed and slipped back into bed.
There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a
different anticipation, and whispered,
"The weather out there is terrible."
To which she sleepily replies,
"Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in
that ****?
All I can say is I'm glad I'm not her
johns and dressed quietly.
I made a lunch, grabbed the dog and went to the garage
to hook up the boat to the truck and down the driveway
I went. Coming out of the garage rain is pouring down;
it is like a torrential downpour.
There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is
blowing 50 mph. Minutes later, I returned to the
garage. I came back into the house and turned the TV
to the weather channel. I find it's going to be bad
weather all day long, so I put the boat back in the
garage, quietly undressed and slipped back into bed.
There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a
different anticipation, and whispered,
"The weather out there is terrible."
To which she sleepily replies,
"Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in
that ****?
All I can say is I'm glad I'm not her
K
kinkon89
Guest
ROFL!!! ROFL!!!!
S
SaintsFan_Webby
Guest
A husband who was away from his wife working on an oil rig for long periods of the year decided to give her an extra special birthday present before he was set to leave for another stretch on the rig.
"Now dear, seeing as how I can't be here to sexually satisfy you a lot of the time, here's something to rectify that. I bought it off a foreign merchant who visited the rig. It's a magic dildo. All you have to do is say 'Magic Dildo' followed by a body part, and it will get to work doing what it does best to the thing you say" said the man as he presented it to his wife. "However you must remember the password to get it to stop, otherwise there is no way of getting it to cease".
After telling her the secret password, they shared one night of passion together before the man had to leave in the morning. On awaking and finding that her husband had already left, the woman felt very sexually driven, and so decided to try out her husband's present to her.
She held the magic dildo in front of her face, uttered the words "Magic Dildo, my vagina!". The magic dildo instantly went to work, and after reaching a very satisfying climax, the woman realised that it was time for her to get ready for work.
In all the excitement of her last night with her husband, she suddenly came to the realisation that she had forgotten the password to make it stop. She got in and out of the shower, got dressed and had breakfast, all the while desperately trying to remember the word she needed to say to make the magic dildo stop.
Already late, she got into her car and sped off to work, still racking her brains as to what the word was, and all the time the magic dildo still going at it. After rushing past a police patrol at 100mph, she saw the sirens in her wing mirror and pulled over. Looking very embarrassed she sat in car while the officer came up to her and asked her just what she thought she was doing. After explaining her story, magic dildo and all, always growing a brighter shade of red, she finished and waited for the skeptical looking officer's reaction.
"What a load of rubbish" replied the policeman. "Magic dildo my arse!"
"Now dear, seeing as how I can't be here to sexually satisfy you a lot of the time, here's something to rectify that. I bought it off a foreign merchant who visited the rig. It's a magic dildo. All you have to do is say 'Magic Dildo' followed by a body part, and it will get to work doing what it does best to the thing you say" said the man as he presented it to his wife. "However you must remember the password to get it to stop, otherwise there is no way of getting it to cease".
After telling her the secret password, they shared one night of passion together before the man had to leave in the morning. On awaking and finding that her husband had already left, the woman felt very sexually driven, and so decided to try out her husband's present to her.
She held the magic dildo in front of her face, uttered the words "Magic Dildo, my vagina!". The magic dildo instantly went to work, and after reaching a very satisfying climax, the woman realised that it was time for her to get ready for work.
In all the excitement of her last night with her husband, she suddenly came to the realisation that she had forgotten the password to make it stop. She got in and out of the shower, got dressed and had breakfast, all the while desperately trying to remember the word she needed to say to make the magic dildo stop.
Already late, she got into her car and sped off to work, still racking her brains as to what the word was, and all the time the magic dildo still going at it. After rushing past a police patrol at 100mph, she saw the sirens in her wing mirror and pulled over. Looking very embarrassed she sat in car while the officer came up to her and asked her just what she thought she was doing. After explaining her story, magic dildo and all, always growing a brighter shade of red, she finished and waited for the skeptical looking officer's reaction.
"What a load of rubbish" replied the policeman. "Magic dildo my arse!"
R
robbinho
Guest
This is great! totally spot on.
I got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy together.
I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd like to meet up and maybe rekindle a little of that magic. 'Wow!', I said, 'I don't know if I could keep pace with you now! I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!'
She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge!
'Yeah,' I said, 'just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistbandthat's a few inches wider these days!'
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly! She teased me, saying that she thought tubby bald men were cute! 'Anyway,' 'I've put on a couple of pounds myself!' she giggled...
so I told her to **** off.
I got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy together.
I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd like to meet up and maybe rekindle a little of that magic. 'Wow!', I said, 'I don't know if I could keep pace with you now! I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!'
She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge!
'Yeah,' I said, 'just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistbandthat's a few inches wider these days!'
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly! She teased me, saying that she thought tubby bald men were cute! 'Anyway,' 'I've put on a couple of pounds myself!' she giggled...
so I told her to **** off.
B
Black|Raven
Guest
K
kaftka
Guest
That's my favourite "joke" so far.
S
Spikey
Guest
A little kid is sitting on a park bench eating abag of chocolates. an old man walking by stops to say that if he continues to eat like that he won`t live very long. indignantly the kid says " oh yeah my grandfather lived to be 104 years old". the old man replies "i'm sure he did kid, but it wasn`t from eating all that chocolate. oh no sir says the kid,it was by minding his own f*cking business!
G
Gay-Guy
Guest
Very sad Spikey hairOriginally posted by Spikey@May 17 2005, 09:09 PM
A little kid is sitting on a park bench eating abag of chocolates. an old man walking by stops to say that if he continues to eat like that he won`t live very long. indignantly the kid says " oh yeah my grandfather lived to be 104 years old". the old man replies "i'm sure he did kid, but it wasn`t from eating all that chocolate. oh no sir says the kid,it was by minding his own f*cking business!
Loved your joke about the guy masturbating under the truck. Laughed so loud the whole house heard. Told it to my wife.............she didn't get it
R
robbinho
Guest
Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the
night.
Mick, the bartender, says "You'll not be drinking any more tonight,
Paddy".
Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then". Paddy spins around on
his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. "Shoite" he says and
pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step
towards the door and falls flat on his face."Shoite,Shoite!" He looks to
the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can&nbs p;just get to the door
and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and
shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a
deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto
the pavement. He falls flat on his face. "Bi'Jesus... I'm fockin'
focked," he says. He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls
to the door and shimmies up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies
inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says;"No fockin' way". But he
crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the
bed". He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says
"Fock this, I gotta stop drinking," and falls into bed.
The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of
coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?"
Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was fockin' ******. But how'd you know?"
"Mick called...... You left your wheelchair at the pub"
night.
Mick, the bartender, says "You'll not be drinking any more tonight,
Paddy".
Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then". Paddy spins around on
his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. "Shoite" he says and
pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step
towards the door and falls flat on his face."Shoite,Shoite!" He looks to
the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can&nbs p;just get to the door
and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and
shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a
deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto
the pavement. He falls flat on his face. "Bi'Jesus... I'm fockin'
focked," he says. He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls
to the door and shimmies up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies
inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says;"No fockin' way". But he
crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the
bed". He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says
"Fock this, I gotta stop drinking," and falls into bed.
The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of
coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?"
Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was fockin' ******. But how'd you know?"
"Mick called...... You left your wheelchair at the pub"
S
Spikey
Guest
Im really trying hard.
Maybe i can find a nice one here some where.
But here is one for the road.
A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, "But we don't know anything about each other." He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along." So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort. So one morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, this was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel. She said," That was incredible!" He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along." So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly out of breath. He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?" "No." she said, "I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the 'street'."
S
Spikey
Guest
A burglar crept into a dark house and as he crossed the room he heard a voice say, "JESUS IS WATCHING YOU!" He froze in his tracks and waited. He started walking again, and again the voice came "JESUS IS WATCHING YOU". Finally the burglar's eyes adjusted to the dark and with great relief he saw a parrot in a cage in the corner. "What's your name," he asked the parrot. "Moses" said the parrot. "Who gave you that stupid name" sneered the burglar. "The same guy who named the Rottweiller Jesus."
Really trying my best here, so please just be patient
Really trying my best here, so please just be patient
S
Spikey
Guest
One day a blonde is sitting on a plane next to one of those annoying, pushy businessmen. He asks her if she would like to play a game. She politely declines, but the man explains the game to her anyway.
He says, "It goes like this: I will ask you a question and if you get it wrong you will give me $5, and vice-versa."
She says no again, and tries to fall asleep.
The man tries harder, saying, "Aw, come on. I'll give you $50 for each question. Or how about $500?"
At that number, the blonde agrees.
The businessman explains again, "If you get my question wrong you give me $5. And when you ask the question, and I get it wrong, I will pay you $500.
"Got it," she replies.
He asks, "Who was the sixth president?" She admits she doesn't know and gives him $5.
Now it's her turn, and she says, "What has purple legs, five arms and only two yellow teeth?"
The businessman doesn't know - he uses his laptop, checks the Internet, e-mails his friends. No one knows the answer. So he gives her $500.00.
Then, as they're landing he asks her, "What was that thing anyway?"
She thinks a few minutes, hands him $5 and walks off the plane.
See we aint all tha dumb !!
He says, "It goes like this: I will ask you a question and if you get it wrong you will give me $5, and vice-versa."
She says no again, and tries to fall asleep.
The man tries harder, saying, "Aw, come on. I'll give you $50 for each question. Or how about $500?"
At that number, the blonde agrees.
The businessman explains again, "If you get my question wrong you give me $5. And when you ask the question, and I get it wrong, I will pay you $500.
"Got it," she replies.
He asks, "Who was the sixth president?" She admits she doesn't know and gives him $5.
Now it's her turn, and she says, "What has purple legs, five arms and only two yellow teeth?"
The businessman doesn't know - he uses his laptop, checks the Internet, e-mails his friends. No one knows the answer. So he gives her $500.00.
Then, as they're landing he asks her, "What was that thing anyway?"
She thinks a few minutes, hands him $5 and walks off the plane.
See we aint all tha dumb !!
G
Gay-Guy
Guest
Well blondie and all goodnight, see you in the morning.
K
kinkon89
Guest
LOL!!!
ROFL!!
S
Spikey
Guest
This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window...
He tells her to take her pants off, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.
"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?
"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.
He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."
Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"
She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!"
He he he, found that funny, so beware men who are doctors
He tells her to take her pants off, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.
"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?
"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.
He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."
Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"
She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!"
He he he, found that funny, so beware men who are doctors
S
Spikey
Guest
A woman posts an ad in the news paper that looks like this...
'Looking for man with these qualifications; won't beat me up; or run away from me and is great in bed.'
She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day. The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away."
So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?"
Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?"
'Looking for man with these qualifications; won't beat me up; or run away from me and is great in bed.'
She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day. The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away."
So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?"
Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?"
S
Spikey
Guest
A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death. One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter.
After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."
And that would be the last one i have for a while, hope you enjoy
After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."
And that would be the last one i have for a while, hope you enjoy
S
sambãd5
Guest
i dont have a joke, but a amusing story...
heres the situation: i hadnt shaved in 2 days so i was a bit hairy around the chin, spiked my hair, like usual, and wore my legendary nirvana shirt to school, and i forgot to get my boots for rugby training for after school
so during my study period i walked home, to get my boots, but on the way home, i came across this lady hand bag in one had, and a pram with her baby in it. as i got about 3-4 dog lengths to her, she started picking up the pace, and held her bag closer to her.
now really im a nice guy (belive it or not) so i would really not do anything, but i thought to myself, i didnt look mean at her or anything, i didnt look like i was going to jump her or anything, its a nice neigbourhood, no one normally would do something like that
so i decided, well, if they expect fear, i deliver fear, so i turned around, chased her and stole her handbag.
heres the situation: i hadnt shaved in 2 days so i was a bit hairy around the chin, spiked my hair, like usual, and wore my legendary nirvana shirt to school, and i forgot to get my boots for rugby training for after school
so during my study period i walked home, to get my boots, but on the way home, i came across this lady hand bag in one had, and a pram with her baby in it. as i got about 3-4 dog lengths to her, she started picking up the pace, and held her bag closer to her.
now really im a nice guy (belive it or not) so i would really not do anything, but i thought to myself, i didnt look mean at her or anything, i didnt look like i was going to jump her or anything, its a nice neigbourhood, no one normally would do something like that
so i decided, well, if they expect fear, i deliver fear, so i turned around, chased her and stole her handbag.
K
kinkon89
Guest
ROFL!!!!
ROFL!!!!
whenever i walk through town and if im in a scene similar to you sambad the same thing happens........i always think to myself......."its cos im black
