Joke thread

[Spikey]

Ok, here goes, i have found a couple of good ones, now i dont know if you heard them before, but if you did, they still made me laugh.

True story, I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldnt overcome and didnt really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldnt say a word. She said, Im going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me. I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldnt ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

The moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

 

[Spikey]

And this one was my all ime fouvarite.

These four gents go out to play golf one sunny morning. One is detained in the clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their children while walking to the first tee. My son, says one, has made quite a name for himself in the homebuilding industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. Hes so successful in fact, in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift.

The second man, not to be outdone, allows how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. Hes so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift.

The third mans son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage and in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.

As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, another tells him that they have been discussing their progeny and asks what line his son is in.

To tell the truth, Im not very pleased with how my son has turned out, he replies. For fifteen years, hes been a hairdresser, and Ive just recently discovered hes a practicing homosexual. But, on the bright side, he must be good at what he does because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two cars, and a big pile of stock certificates

 

[SaintsFan_Webby]

I have to post this one every time there is a new joke thread is created, so I apologise to those of you who have heard it before. Also bear in mind this was just after the 2003 World Cup..........

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Three rugby players meet with God in order so they may sit with him at the top table of heaven.

Martin Johnson approaches God.
"Why do you deserve to sit on my right hand?" booms God.
"I am a leader of men. All under my command follow me to the end, and I lead by example with my bravery and courage in battle".
God beckons, and Johnson takes the seat on his right hand side.

Richard Hill is the next man to approach God.
"Why do you deserve to sit on my left hand?" booms God.
"I am a noble and humble warrior. I perform my task without quarrel, and never give less than 100% of my effort towards the struggle in hand".
God beckons, and Hill takes the seat on his left hand side.

Jonny Wilkinson is the last man to approach God.
"Excuse me..." says Wilkinson, "you appear to be sitting in my seat."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A joke by Englishmen, for Englishmen

 

[kinkon89]

Originally posted by Spikey@May 6 2005, 01:26 AM
Ok, here goes, i have found a couple of good ones, now i dont know if you heard them before, but if you did, they still made me laugh.

True story, I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldnt overcome and didnt really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldnt say a word. She said, Im going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me. I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldnt ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

The moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

ROFL!!!

omg!

now thats a beauty!!!

 

[kinkon89]

Originally posted by Spikey@May 6 2005, 01:27 AM
And this one was my all ime fouvarite.

These four gents go out to play golf one sunny morning. One is detained in the clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their children while walking to the first tee. My son, says one, has made quite a name for himself in the homebuilding industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. Hes so successful in fact, in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift.

The second man, not to be outdone, allows how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. Hes so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift.

The third mans son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage and in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.

As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, another tells him that they have been discussing their progeny and asks what line his son is in.

To tell the truth, Im not very pleased with how my son has turned out, he replies. For fifteen years, hes been a hairdresser, and Ive just recently discovered hes a practicing homosexual. But, on the bright side, he must be good at what he does because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two cars, and a big pile of stock certificates

ROFL!!

thats another funny one!

more more!

 

[Spikey]

Kinkon, im glad you enjoyed those. Here is some more.

A man went to his doctor and asked him how to prolong the lovemaking experience. The doctor told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer, extending the pleasure for them and their partner.

The man decided, What the hell, Ill try it.

He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldnt do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he came up with a plan.

On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck.

Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to **********. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover.

As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, What?

He heard, This is the police. Whats going on down there?

The man replied, Im checking out the rear axle, its busted.

Came the reply, Well, you might as well check your brakes too while youre down there, because your truck rolled down the hill five minutes ago.

 

[Spikey]

And one more....

So a plane is crashing into the sea and all the passengers are preparing for the crash.
An indian woman begins to put all the scarves she has on, when asked why she replies because the rescue planes always look for bright colors, ill be seen for sure

A chinese woman begins to put on all her jewelry when asked why she replies the rescue planes always look for shiny objects, ill be seen for sure.

All of a sudden a black woman begins to take off all her clothes when asked why she replies honey, cuz everytime theres a crash the first thing they look for is that black box.

L O V E D this one, appart from the others i have this was good, i have more if you guys want them posted.

 

[kaftka]

Nice jokes spikey. Among the best in the thread those last three or four.

 

[Spikey]

Glad yo liked them Kafta, have more. when i first read them i laughed so hard at work, pll started to think im not well

Im well, "stop talking to yourself" ......... "I'm not"..... "Yes you are!!"



Any how as you can see im still normal and sane

 

[kaftka]

Me too spikey, me too.

*covers sig*

 

[Spikey]

Here is one more, it might be a bit long, but i still enjoyed it.

Dear loving Wife

During the past year, I have attempted to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of only once every 10 days. The following is a list of why I didnt succeed more often:

We will wake the kids - 54 times

Its too late - 15 times

Im too tired - 42 times

Its too early - 12 times

Its too hot - 18 times

Pretending to be asleep - 31 times

The neighbors will hear - 9 times

Headache or backache - 26 times

Sunburn - 10 times

Your mother will hear us - 9 times

Not in the mood - 21 times

Watching the late show - 17 times

Too sore - 26 times

New hairdo - 6 times

Wrong time of the month - 14 times

You had to go to the bathroom - 19 times

Of the 36 times that I DID succeed, the result was not always satisfying because 6 times you just laid there, 8 times you reminded me that there was a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you up to tell you I was finished, and once I was afraid that I had hurt you because you started thrashing around and breathing heavy. Lets try to improve this, shall we??

Love, Your Hubby

-------------------------

To My Dearest Husband,

I think things are a little confused. Here are the REAL reasons you didnt get more than you did this past year:

Came home drunk and tried to screw the cat - 23 times

Did not come home at all - 36 times

Did not come - 21 times

Came too soon - 38 times

Went soft before you got it in - 19 times

Cramps in your leg - 16 times

Working too late - 33 times

You had a rash, probably from a toilet seat - 29 times

Caught yourself in your zipper - 15 times

You had a cold and your nose kept running - 21 times

You had burned your tongue on hot coffee - 9 times

You had a splinter in your finger - 11 times

You lost the notion after thinking about it - 42 times

Came in your pajamas after reading a dirty book - 16 times

The reason I laid still was because you had missed me and were screwing the sheet. You seemed to be having a good time and I didnt want to move and spoil it for you. I wasnt talking about the crack in the ceiling. What I said was, Would you like me on my back or kneeling? The time I was thrashing around and gasping was when you farted and I was fighting for air. Maybe you can work on your shortcomings?

Love, Your Wife

*wonders are married ppl really like this

 

[Spikey]

And then the last one i have for this week!!

Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says: Sir, did you call for me? Bob replies: No, what do you mean? She says: You must be new here; let me explain. Its a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me. Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few seconds a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. The Huge Man says: Sir, did you call for me? Bob replies: No, what do you mean? The Huge Man: You must be new here; it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me. The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and has his way with him.

Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling naked receptionist: May I help you? Bob says: Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee. Receptionist: But Sir, youve only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities.....

Bob replies: Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a hard-on twice a month, but I fart 15 times a day!!!!!

Now thats me for the week, i will be on on monday and will check out some more jokes. ENJOY ppl!!

 

[Gay-Guy]

Originally posted by Spikey@May 6 2005, 01:26 AM
Ok, here goes, i have found a couple of good ones, now i dont know if you heard them before, but if you did, they still made me laugh.

True story, I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldnt overcome and didnt really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldnt say a word. She said, Im going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me. I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldnt ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

The moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

man u got some funny ones spikey, i giggled at the other ones but this was the biggest crack up.

 

[nehno2]

Originally posted by THE CHIROPRACTOR101@May 5 2005, 07:23 PM

....

*shakes head in dissapointment*

when u guys just post regurlarly u type some funny stuff..when u actually try to be funny...ITS WRONG!

wheres captain america and neh???

ill try find some funny photos and stuff for u guys

*sighs*

shakes head in dissapointment*

nehs right here but they deleted my otha account because i took the light from them basterds ungrateful basterds dont worry i wnt be posting too much here since my barracks dont have phn jacks but im changing into gud barracks soon so ill be back, to entertain. hows everyone bn

ive bn gud army life is wicked civilian life sucks im on leave and i wanna go bak already

1 Question has the mods lightened up yet or they still tight arses and his umosay lost his virginity yet?

 

[..::ERIC::..]

What army base are you posted at?

 

[nehno2]

linton just outa palmy

 

[..::ERIC::..]

Sweet. My sister just left Waiouru after 2 years service. Everyone seems to love the army.

 

[nehno2]

f*** yea its mean u get to play with kool ****

 

[SaintsFan_Webby]

Good to see you still can't spell, neh

 

[wigan_rlfc]

Originally posted by nehno2@May 8 2005, 07:18 AM
f*** yea its mean u get to play with kool ****

What? Like potato peelers and boot polish?