Joke thread

[Spikey]

once was on a plane where I was served by an obviously homosexual male flight attendant. At one point, he bounced over to where I was sitting and announced "The Captain has asked me to announce that he will be landing the big scary plane shortly, so if you could just put up your trays, that would be great." I did as he had instructed but the woman sitting next to me did not.

A few moments later, our flight attendant came back and said to her: "Ma'am, perhaps you couldn't hear me over the big scary engine, but I asked you to please put up your tray so that the captain can land the plane." She still wouldn't comply. Now he was getting angry and asked her again to put up the tray.

She then calmly turned to him and said: "In my country, I am called a princess. I take orders from no one." The flight attendant replied, "Oh yeah? Well in MY country, I'm called a queen and I outrank you, *****, so put the tray up!"

He he he Liked this one.

 

[gjohn85]

Originally posted by Spikey@May 18 2005, 07:54 PM
A woman posts an ad in the news paper that looks like this...

'Looking for man with these qualifications; won't beat me up; or run away from me and is great in bed.'

She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day. The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away."

So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?"

Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?"

ROFL!

That joke is like me except for the no arms & no legs part, Although I have never attempted to ring the door bell like that!

 

[Gay-Guy]

Originally posted by gjohn85@May 19 2005, 05:03 AM
That joke is like me except for the no arms & no legs part, Although I have never attempted to ring the door bell like that!

That was the best joke I have heard lately on this thread.......keep it up john.






Nah sorry.....................come over and kick my ass

.......gently

.......

 

[gjohn85]

Originally posted by Gay-Guy+May 19 2005, 05:58 PM--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE (Gay-Guy @ May 19 2005, 05:58 PM)</div>

<!--QuoteBegin-gjohn85

@May 19 2005, 05:03 AM
That joke is like me except for the no arms & no legs part, Although I have never attempted to ring the door bell like that!

That was the best joke I have heard lately on this thread.......keep it up john.






Nah sorry.....................come over and kick my ass

.......gently

.......[/b]

Credit goes to Spikey who added the joke.

What I replied wasn't a joke, Its true!

 

[Spikey]

*Takes a bow, and says thank you.

Hope you enjoy the jokes. Will post some more later on .

 

[melon]

This is a very mean joke but i thought id share it with you because i laughed so hard when i heard it yesterday.

What did the blind, deaf, spastic kid get for his birthday?

Cancer

 

[Black|Raven]

Originally posted by sambad5@May 18 2005, 10:06 PM
i dont have a joke, but a amusing story...

heres the situation: i hadnt shaved in 2 days so i was a bit hairy around the chin, spiked my hair, like usual, and wore my legendary nirvana shirt to school, and i forgot to get my boots for rugby training for after school

so during my study period i walked home, to get my boots, but on the way home, i came across this lady hand bag in one had, and a pram with her baby in it. as i got about 3-4 dog lengths to her, she started picking up the pace, and held her bag closer to her.

now really im a nice guy (belive it or not) so i would really not do anything, but i thought to myself, i didnt look mean at her or anything, i didnt look like i was going to jump her or anything, its a nice neigbourhood, no one normally would do something like that

so i decided, well, if they expect fear, i deliver fear, so i turned around, chased her and stole her handbag.

that was from a comedy chanel.......but still

 

[Black|Raven]

A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon.

"Care to go upstairs and do it?" the husband asked.

"Shh!" said the bride "All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?"

So, the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?"

"No, I definitely shut it," replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.

When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?"

"No, thanks," said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand."

 

[Black|Raven]

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthfully slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember psalm 129?"

The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg.

Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again Said, "Father, remember psalm 129?" Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry sister, but the flesh is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, gave him a meaningful glance, and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129. It Said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

MORAL OF THE STORY: Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great opportunity!

 

[Black|Raven]

THINK YOU'RE HAVING A BAD DAY.... check it out these actual cases.

Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned-out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba
tanks on his back, flippers, and face mask.

A postmortem test revealed that the man died not from burns, but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set about to determine how a fully clothed diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire.

It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the man went diving off the coast, some 20 miles from the forest. The fire fighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, had called in a fleet of helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean and emptied at the site of the forest fire.

You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next, he was doing the breast stroke in a fire dip bucket 300 feet in the air. Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed.
___________________________________________

Still think you're having a bad day?

A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio, his wife nearby in the kitchen. While racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handlebars, was dragged along as it burst through the glass patio doors.

His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to find her husband cut and bleeding, the motorcycle, and the shattered patio door. She called for an ambulance and, because the house sat on a fairly large hill, went down the several flights of stairs to meet the paramedics and escort them to her husband.

While the attendants were loading her husband, the wife managed to right the motorcycle and push it outside. She also quickly blotted up the spilled gasoline with some paper towels and tossed them into the toilet.

After being treated and released, the man returned home, looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He went into the bathroom and consoled himself with a cigarette while attending to his business. About to stand, he flipped the butt between his legs.

The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. Finding him lying on the bathroom floor with his trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks, legs and groin, she
once again phoned for an ambulance. The same paramedic crew was dispatched.

As the paramedics carried the man down the stairs to the ambulance they asked the wife how he had come to burn himself. She told them.
They started laughing so hard, one slipped, the stretcher and dumping the husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs, breaking his arm.
______________________________________________
Still having a bad day? Just remember, it could be worse...

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.
_____________________________________________
Still think you are having a bad day?

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy
plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
_______________________________________________
STILL think you're having a bad day?

Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly The two hopeless protesters were trampled to death.
____________________________________________

What?! STILL having a bad day??

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits. There now, feeling better?

 

[Gay-Guy]

Originally posted by gjohn85+May 21 2005, 09:06 AM--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE (gjohn85 @ May 21 2005, 09:06 AM)</div>

Originally posted by Gay-Guy@May 19 2005, 05:58 PM
<!--QuoteBegin-gjohn85

@May 19 2005, 05:03 AM
That joke is like me except for the no arms & no legs part, Although I have never attempted to ring the door bell like that!

That was the best joke I have heard lately on this thread.......keep it up john.






Nah sorry.....................come over and kick my ass

.......gently

.......

Credit goes to Spikey who added the joke.

What I replied wasn't a joke, Its true!

[/b]

I wsan't talking about Spikey's joke

.........










................now the joke is definitely on you

..........sorry again, you can come kick my bum bum.........

 

[riders of the storm]

I have a few lol. Lemme see... hmmmm...

A man walks into a bar and orders 10 beers.
"That's quite alot mate, what's wrong?" asked the bartender.
"I just found out that my older brother is gay," he replies.
The bartender gives him the ten beers.

The next day the same man comes in again and orders the same thing.
"Again mate? What's wrong this time?" the bartender asked.
"I just found out that my younger brother is gay," the man replies.
The bartender gives him the ten beers.

The next day the same man returns again and orders the same thing.
"Damn, doesn't anybody in your family like women mate?" asked the bartender.
"Yeah," the man answered. "My wife."

 

[THE CHIROPRACTOR101]

Why did Michael Jackson go to Kmart?

He heard boys pants were half off

 

[gjohn85]

Originally posted by riders of the storm@May 22 2005, 11:34 PM
I have a few lol. Lemme see... hmmmm...

A man walks into a bar and orders 10 beers.
"That's quite alot mate, what's wrong?" asked the bartender.
"I just found out that my older brother is gay," he replies.
The bartender gives him the ten beers.

The next day the same man comes in again and orders the same thing.
"Again mate? What's wrong this time?" the bartender asked.
"I just found out that my younger brother is gay," the man replies.
The bartender gives him the ten beers.

The next day the same man returns again and orders the same thing.
"Damn, doesn't anybody in your family like women mate?" asked the bartender.
"Yeah," the man answered. "My wife."

That a good 'un

 

[sambãd5]

Originally posted by Black|Raven@May 22 2005, 02:49 PM

that was from a comedy chanel.......but still

yeah the end part i stole from that, but the rest is true...

 

[Gay-Guy]

Originally posted by Black|Raven@May 22 2005, 04:16 PM
___________________________________________

Still think you're having a bad day?

A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio, his wife nearby in the kitchen. While racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handlebars, was dragged along as it burst through the glass patio doors.

His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to find her husband cut and bleeding, the motorcycle, and the shattered patio door. She called for an ambulance and, because the house sat on a fairly large hill, went down the several flights of stairs to meet the paramedics and escort them to her husband.

While the attendants were loading her husband, the wife managed to right the motorcycle and push it outside. She also quickly blotted up the spilled gasoline with some paper towels and tossed them into the toilet.

After being treated and released, the man returned home, looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He went into the bathroom and consoled himself with a cigarette while attending to his business. About to stand, he flipped the butt between his legs.

The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. Finding him lying on the bathroom floor with his trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks, legs and groin, she
once again phoned for an ambulance. The same paramedic crew was dispatched.

As the paramedics carried the man down the stairs to the ambulance they asked the wife how he had come to burn himself. She told them.
They started laughing so hard, one slipped, the stretcher and dumping the husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs, breaking his arm.
______________________________________________

Gosh that was funny............




......poor guy got his ass blown up by a mixture containing his own excretement!

 

[Black|Raven]

A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.
"Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies. "I guess it just leaves an impression."

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.
"Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green "M" on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor.
"No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?"

 

[Black|Raven]

ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.
She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are coming!" and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.
BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said,
"Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"... I just lost it."

 

[Black|Raven]

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need to enter a password.
Something he will use to log on.

The husband was in a rather humorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife what he was keying in.

"P....E....N....I....S.."

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:

**** PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH*****

 

[Black|Raven]

last for tonight!

During a good manners and etiquette class, the teacher says to her students: "If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?"
Mike replies: Wait a minute. I'm going for a ****.
The teacher says: "That would be very rude and improper on your part."
Johnny replied: "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet. I'll be back in a minute."
The teacher says: "That's much better but to mention the word 'toilet' during a meal, is unpleasant."
And Charlie says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend, whom, I hope, to be able to introduce to you after dinner."

The teacher passed out.