S
Spikey
Guest
HA HA HA
That was funny.
good on ya Kaf!!
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Help Support The Rugby Forum :
That was funny.
good on ya Kaf!!
E
el_tk
Guest
This guy's sitting in a pub in Northern Ireland and he feels a gun at his back, a voice goes "Catholic or Protestant?", the guy says "Jew" and the voice replies "well then I must be the luckiest goddamn Arab in the whole of Ireland!"
And I hope you've all seen Austin Healey's latest:
"Have you heard the latest from the Lions camp? Clive Woodward is sending Andy Robinson to a fancy-dress party tonight. He's going as a pumpkin. They're hoping at midnight he'll turn into a coach."
And I hope you've all seen Austin Healey's latest:
"Have you heard the latest from the Lions camp? Clive Woodward is sending Andy Robinson to a fancy-dress party tonight. He's going as a pumpkin. They're hoping at midnight he'll turn into a coach."
B
Bull
Guest
What's your wife trying to tell you if she's wearing a Springbok jersey to bed?
You're not gonna score tonight!
You're not gonna score tonight!
E
el_tk
Guest
There's this guy who's just graduated from Law School, he gets an ofice and sets himself up and all that but no-one comes to him. After about a week he sees someone coming towards his office so he picks up his phone and pretends to be having a conversation about business and big bucks, the person comes into his office and waits, the lawyer eventually stops for a second and says "can I help you?", the person responds "oh yeah, I'm here to connect your phone".
B
Black|Raven
Guest
A young man moved into a new apartment on his own, and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming" He followed her into her apartment, she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "what would you say is my best feature"? Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears" Astounded, and a little hurt she asked "my ears? Look at these breasts, they are full and 100% natural I work out every day, my butt is firm and solid,look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere.How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears? Clearing his throat, he stammered "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming? That was me."
S
Steve-o
Guest
Don't know if it has been posted before but it's a good one
:
Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, died and went to heaven.
At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."
Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?
God said, "Ah, yes."
"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention.
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust. And finally,
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous."
"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on." God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it. "Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."
Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, died and went to heaven.
At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."
Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?
God said, "Ah, yes."
"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention.
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust. And finally,
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous."
"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on." God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it. "Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."
C
Canadian_Rugby_Guy
Guest
There's a Russian, a Cuban, and two American lawyers on a train. The Russian takes out a bottle of vodka, uncorks it, takes a mouthful and tosses it out the window. One of the lawyers is shocked and says: "how could throw out such perfectly good vodka?" The Russian replies, "oh in my country there is so much of it that we don't know what to do with it." the Cuban takes out a cigar and takes a puff out of it, then throws it out the window, again the same American lawyer questions the Cuban's waste of a perfectly good cigar, the Cuban replies "oh in Cuba, there are tons of cigars to the point where we don't know what to do with them." The American then looks at his colleague, and throws him out the window.
B
Black|Raven
Guest
Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know. One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel, and Lulu was among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly, Lulu's grandma came by and saw her granddaughter.Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?" Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, Lulu told her grandmother that the policemen were passing out free oranges, and she was just lining up for some. "Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself," Grandma said, and she proceeded to the back of the line. The policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?" Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back, and suck them dry."
The policeman fainted!
The policeman fainted!
S
Steve-o
Guest
A drunk stammers out of a bar and runs right into two priests. He says, "I'm Jesus Christ." The first priest says, "No, son, you're not." So the drunk says it to the second priest. The second priest says, "No, son, you're not." The drunk says, "Look, I can prove it." He walks back into the bar with the two priests. The bartender takes one look at the drunk and exclaims, "Jesus Christ, you're here again?"
S
Steve-o
Guest
Here's a Texas joke which is supposingly a true story.
Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Bandera, Texas. After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. -- -- He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine, dry summer night) -- -- flicked the blinkers on, then off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. -- He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patron vehicles left. At last, the parking lot empty, he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road.
The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the truly proud Texan. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Bandera, Texas. After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. -- -- He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine, dry summer night) -- -- flicked the blinkers on, then off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. -- He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patron vehicles left. At last, the parking lot empty, he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road.
The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the truly proud Texan. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
B
Black|Raven
Guest
i have actually tried that but without the "designated decoy" part and the look on thier face when it came up clean........PRICELESS!
B
Black|Raven
Guest
A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your
fellow passenger."
Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger. "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first.
"A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."
"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know ****?"
fellow passenger."
Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger. "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first.
"A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."
"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know ****?"
S
Steve-o
Guest
An Italian, and Scotsman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site.
The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy "You're in charge of sweeping."
To the Irishman he says "You're in charge of shoveling."
And to the Chinese guy, "you're in charge of supplies."
He then says "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile."
So the foreman goes away for a couple hours, and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched.
He says to the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"
The Italian replies in a heavy accent, "I didn't have a broom. You said the Chinese a guy was in a charge of supplies, but he disappeared and I coulda no find him."
Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and asks why he didn't shovel.
The Scotsman replies in his heavy brogue, "Aye, ye did lad. But I counna get meself a shovel. Ye left the Chinese guy in charge of supplies, but I counna fin' him."
The foreman is really angry now, and storms off toward the pile of sand looking for the Chinese guy... Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from behind the pile of sand and yells, "SUPPLIES!"
The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy "You're in charge of sweeping."
To the Irishman he says "You're in charge of shoveling."
And to the Chinese guy, "you're in charge of supplies."
He then says "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile."
So the foreman goes away for a couple hours, and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched.
He says to the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"
The Italian replies in a heavy accent, "I didn't have a broom. You said the Chinese a guy was in a charge of supplies, but he disappeared and I coulda no find him."
Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and asks why he didn't shovel.
The Scotsman replies in his heavy brogue, "Aye, ye did lad. But I counna get meself a shovel. Ye left the Chinese guy in charge of supplies, but I counna fin' him."
The foreman is really angry now, and storms off toward the pile of sand looking for the Chinese guy... Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from behind the pile of sand and yells, "SUPPLIES!"
B
Bull
Guest
An Australian, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck.
They found themselves stranded on an island. After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds,the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the Australian. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the Australian took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the Australian had ever seen.
She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health. When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual.
It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the Australian started to get "those feelings" again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear ... "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"
They found themselves stranded on an island. After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds,the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the Australian. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the Australian took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the Australian had ever seen.
She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health. When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual.
It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the Australian started to get "those feelings" again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear ... "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"
S
sambãd5
Guest
whats the diffrence between a duck?
one of its legs are both the same
one of its legs are both the same
K
kaftka
Guest
R
robbinho
Guest
Speaking of ducks....
Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.
The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?" Donald frowned and said "No."
Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex. "Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested.
So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.
"Yes, we do," the clerk said, and pulled one out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.
The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put that on your bill?
"No!" Donald quacked,
"What kind of a friggen' pervert do you think I am?"
Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.
The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?" Donald frowned and said "No."
Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex. "Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested.
So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.
"Yes, we do," the clerk said, and pulled one out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.
The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put that on your bill?
"No!" Donald quacked,
"What kind of a friggen' pervert do you think I am?"
K
kaftka
Guest
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; He decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise.
They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.
The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too."
Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing.
Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be.
The guy calms down and says: " Make 'em all ugly again."
They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.
The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too."
Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing.
Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be.
The guy calms down and says: " Make 'em all ugly again."
A
ak47
Guest
The doctor said, "Sam, the good news is I can cure your headaches! The bad new is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Sam was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44long." Sam laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said. Sam tried on the suit.. it fit perfectly.
As Sam admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Sam thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Sam and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck." Sam was surprised, that's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years." Sam tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
Sam walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked," How about some new underwear?" Sam thought for a moment and said, "Sure." The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36." Sam laughed, "Ah ha! I got you; I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
New suit - $600
New shirt - $46
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS!
Sam was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44long." Sam laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said. Sam tried on the suit.. it fit perfectly.
As Sam admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Sam thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Sam and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck." Sam was surprised, that's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years." Sam tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
Sam walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked," How about some new underwear?" Sam thought for a moment and said, "Sure." The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36." Sam laughed, "Ah ha! I got you; I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
New suit - $600
New shirt - $46
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS!
M
myusernameisprettybland
Guest
May have heard these... but what the heck
How do you stop your wife from changing the channel?
Shorten the leash from the kitchen
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, let the ***** cook in the dark
How do you stop your wife from changing the channel?
Shorten the leash from the kitchen
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, let the ***** cook in the dark
