Joke thread

[Black|Raven]

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.
"Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!"
"I can't jump out the window ~ It's raining out there!"
"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!" So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!
As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.
Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.
"Oh yes!" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"
Another runner moved a long side. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"
Oh , yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, "Do you always wear a condom when you run? "
"Nope.........just when it's raining.

 

[kaftka]

Fine, ignore me then.

 

[Spikey]

Oh i see, so Sucks is the NEW funny, or so to peak. - black is the new blue???

But we just have to look at you to laugh

 

[leg-rice]

whats the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?

you can only fit three fingers in a bowling ball

 

[kaftka]

Originally posted by Spikey@Jun 21 2005, 06:56 PM
Oh i see, so Sucks is the NEW funny, or so to peak. - black is the new blue???

But we just have to look at you to laugh

That was cold dude. Like sleeping in a freezer.

 

[Spikey]

didnt mean to say AT YOU, but AT YOUR SIG lol so sorry.

But you get what i mean

 

[kaftka]

What......Welshmen?

 

[Spikey]

NO man, the banana one you had on, i havnt been on here for a while, work has kept me busy so my bad. Any how

 

[kaftka]

What bananas? I've never had bananas in my sig.

You must be thinking of someone else.

 

[Spikey]

<-------------CONFUSED

 

[-JJ-]

.:kaftka:.. Yes, I am calling you by your full name because I am disappointed.

You need to sort out your priorities, obviously there is a limit to how big your signature can be, but your bananas are much more important than endless quotes.

God I hate that banana's song. Plays at work all the time.

 

[kaftka]

I'm sorry, I thought my sig was too big as it was, and didn't want to seem too much of a pompous prick, so I decided to just have complimentary/stupid quotes instead.

What bananas song.

 

[-JJ-]

Surely you know the bananas song. It goes with the video clip with all the reasonably hot chicks, who all seem so proud that they can spell bananas b a n a n a s.

Anyway, here's a joke for all those who take or have taken Y13 Calculus.

My spin on the original joke:
F(x)=2x walks into a brothel and asks for half an hour of "company". The "madam" says, "Sorry, we don't do functions."

The original joke:
F(x)=2x walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The barman says, "Sorry, we don't serve functions."

Brilliant.

 

[kaftka]

Absolute genius!! Taking an all-ages do, and spicing it up into something that can be shared at the after-ball 'function'!!!!

Brilliant JJ, brilliant.

 

[-JJ-]

I know.

If you're being a sarcastic, I will have to slap you.

 

[Spikey]

Harry and his best bud John are out golfing one morning. When Harry, returns home that afternoon, his wife asks how the game had gone.

"Terrible" Harry said,"John had a heart attack, on the second hole."

"Oh, My god, that's terrible." Harry's wife exclaimed.

"Tell me about it, for 16 holes it was hit the ball, drag John, hit the ball, drag John...."
----------------------------
A Mom is driving her little girl to a friend’s house for a play date. “Mommy,†the little girl asks, “how old are you?â€

“Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,†the mother warns. “It is not polite.â€

“Ok,†the little girl says. “How much do you weigh?â€

“Now really,†the mother says, “these are personal questions, and really none of your business.â€

Undaunted, the little girl asks, “Why did you and daddy get a divorce?â€

“That is enough questions, honestly!†The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

“My Mom wouldn’t tell me anything,†the little girl says to her friend.

“Well,†said the friend, “all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report cardâ€"it has everything on it.†Later that night, the little girl says to her mother, “I know how old you are. You are 32.â€

The mother is surprised and asks, “How did you find that out?â€

“I also know that you weigh 140 pounds.†The mother is past surprise and shocked now.

“How in heaven’s name did you find that out?â€

“And,†the little girl says triumphantly, “I know why you and daddy got a divorce.â€

“Oh really?†the mother asks. “And why’s that?â€

“Because you got an F in sex.â€
-------------------
This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine.
The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive."

The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?"

The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed.

"Well," the doctor continued, "Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing."

The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly.

Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.

"How did it go?" the doctor asked.

"Terrible, doctor, terrible."

"Did it not work?"

"Yes," the old lady said, "It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years."

"Then what is the problem, ma'am?"

"Well," she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again."
------------------------
A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. You know what?", says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we start swearing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?" "Ok" the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast. "Oh, **** mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops" WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out. She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?! "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your f***in' arse it won't be Coco Pops."
-----------------------
George's new colleagues always met for a round of golf every Saturday. They asked George to meet them at 10:00 Saturday morning. George replied that he would love to meet them, but that he may be 10 minutes late.

On Saturday morning, George was there at exactly 10:00 a.m. He golfed right-handed and won the round.

Next Saturday rolls around, and George says that he will be there, but that he may be 10 minutes late again.

He shows up right on time, golfs left-handed, and wins the round. This continues for the next few weeks, with George always saying that he may be 10 minutes late and then always winning the round, golfing either left- or right-handed.

The other employees are getting tired of this, and decide to ask him what the deal is. They say, "George, every Saturday you say you may be 10 minutes late. You never are. Then you show up and golf either right-handed or left-handed, and always win. What's up with that?"

George replies, "Well, I am a very superstitious guy. Every Saturday when I wake up, I look over at my wife. If she is sleeping on her left side, I golf left-handed. If she is sleeping on her right side, I golf right-handed.''

"Well," one of the employees questioned, "What happens if she is lying on her back?''

George replies, "Then I am 10 minutes late."

there you go some jokes i had. Hope you enjoy

 

[Black|Raven]

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer that was also a blonde.
The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."
The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop.

 

[Black|Raven]

One day mom was cleaning juniors room and in the closet she found a bondage S&M magazine.
This was highly upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him.
He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word.
So she asked him, "What should we do about this?"
Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him."

 

[..::ERIC::..]

Originally posted by JJ-@Jun 27 2005, 10:21 PM
Surely you know the bananas song. It goes with the video clip with all the reasonably hot chicks, who all seem so proud that they can spell bananas b a n a n a s.

Anyway, here's a joke for all those who take or have taken Y13 Calculus.

My spin on the original joke:
F(x)=2x walks into a brothel and asks for half an hour of "company". The "madam" says, "Sorry, we don't do functions."

The original joke:
F(x)=2x walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The barman says, "Sorry, we don't serve functions."

Brilliant.

F(x)= 2 walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bar tells him to get, as he has already told him to previously that day. F(x)=2 says "No mate, that wasn't me, that was F(x)= 2x". "Sorry" the barman said, "I'm not good at diferentiation."


I'm so, so sorry for doing that to that joke. But heres another.

F(x)= 2x walks into a white country club. Soon after F(x)= x.x + C walks in. The owners says "Hey, get out. Enough of this intergration, this is for whites only."

Dear God / Kaftka. Kill me now.





What? And you say Math nerds have no sence of humour.

 

[Black|Raven]

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide she'll become a hooker. She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks. If you've got a question, I'll be parked around the corner."
She's not there five minutes when a guy pulls up and says, "How much?
She says, "A hundred dollars."
He says "****. All I've got is thirty."
She says,"Hold on."
She runs back to Harry and says, "What can he get for thirty dollars?"
Harry says, "A hand job".
She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a hand job.
He says okay, she gets in the car, he unzips his pants, and out pops a simply HUGE male unit.
She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back."
She runs back around the corner and says breathlessly, "Harry, can you lend this guy seventy bucks?".