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- Thread starter Teh Mite
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A guy is sitting in the bar in departures at a busy airport. A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. He is gob-smacked by how attractive she is.
He decides because she's that pretty, she's probably an off-duty flight attendant. So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.
He leans across to her and says the Delta Airlines motto "We love to fly and it shows".
The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line.
He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto "Winning the hearts of the world".
Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.
Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto "Going beyond expectations".
The woman looks at him and says "What the f&#k do you want?"
"Ah!" he says, sitting back with a smile on his face. "South African Airways"
He decides because she's that pretty, she's probably an off-duty flight attendant. So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.
He leans across to her and says the Delta Airlines motto "We love to fly and it shows".
The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line.
He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto "Winning the hearts of the world".
Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.
Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto "Going beyond expectations".
The woman looks at him and says "What the f&#k do you want?"
"Ah!" he says, sitting back with a smile on his face. "South African Airways"
lucky number 7
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The Mr Blobby vid almost made me **** my pants with laughter
A woman was sitting on a train opposite a skinhead man who was eating fresh prawns.
Every time he ate one, he spat the tail in her direction, requiring her to deflect it.
He finished the box and threw it out the window.
Seeing this, she had enough and pulled the train's Emergency Cord.
The skinhead looked at her and said, "You'll get fined £50 for doing that!"
She laughed and said, "When I cry rape and they smell your fingers, you'll get 10 years!!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
An Arabic family was considering putting their grandfather, Abdullah, in a nursing home. All the Arabic facilities were completely full so they had to put him in an Italian nursing home.
After a few weeks in the Italian facility, they came to visit grandpa.
"How do you like it here?" asks the grandson.
"It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful", says grandpa.
"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone else."
"Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents", Abdullah says with a big smile.
"There's a musician here – he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'! There is a judge in here – he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honour'! There's a dentist here 90 years old. He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years and everyone still calls him 'Doctor'! And me - I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me, 'The ****ing Arab'."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Originally shown on BBC TV back in the 1970's, Ronnie Barker could say all this without a snigger, though who knows after how many takes it took.
The story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.
Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits and shivelling shot.
At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered. The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fatty swannies.
The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.
Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and digbicks. The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.
At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.
The very next day, the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart. "Who's fust jarted?" asked the prandsome hince. "Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge.
When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.
Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on. He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly.
Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ed Miliband walks into a bank to cash a cheque. "Good morning", says Ed, "could you please cash this cheque for me?"
Cashier: "It would be my pleasure Sir, but could you please show me some identification?"
Miliband: "Truthfully… I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. But hang on! I'm Ed Miliband, Leader of the Opposition and of the Labour Party!!!"
Cashier: ""Yes Sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers etc, I must insist on seeing some identification".
Miliband: "Just ask any of the customers here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am!"
Cashier: "I'm sorry Sir, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them".
Miliband: "I am urging you please, to cash this cheque for me".
Cashier: "Look Sir, this is what we can do. One day Colin Montgomery came into the bank without any ID. To prove he was Colin Montgomery he pulled out his putter and putted a ball along the floor and into a small cup. With that sort of skill we knew it was Colin Montgomery and we cashed his cheque. On another occasion, Andy Murray came in without any ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and lobbed a tennis ball straight into my teacup with such a spectacular shot that we all knew it was Andy Murray and we cashed his cheque. So Sir, what can you do to prove that it is you and only you, as the Leader of the Opposition?"
Ed Miliband stood there thinking and thinking and then finally says, "To be honest, there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing that I'm any good at."
Cashier: "Will it be large or small notes you require Mr Miliband?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tools Explained
PILLAR DRILLA tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench at the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh ****".
SKILL SAW
A portable cutting tool used to make wooden planks too short.
PLIERS
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
MOLE-GRIPS
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your workshop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
TABLE SAW
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
BAND SAW
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most workshops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the rubbish bin after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER
Normally used for stabbing and removing vehicle oil filters and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
HOSE CUTTER
A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
Every time he ate one, he spat the tail in her direction, requiring her to deflect it.
He finished the box and threw it out the window.
Seeing this, she had enough and pulled the train's Emergency Cord.
The skinhead looked at her and said, "You'll get fined £50 for doing that!"
She laughed and said, "When I cry rape and they smell your fingers, you'll get 10 years!!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
An Arabic family was considering putting their grandfather, Abdullah, in a nursing home. All the Arabic facilities were completely full so they had to put him in an Italian nursing home.
After a few weeks in the Italian facility, they came to visit grandpa.
"How do you like it here?" asks the grandson.
"It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful", says grandpa.
"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone else."
"Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents", Abdullah says with a big smile.
"There's a musician here – he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'! There is a judge in here – he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honour'! There's a dentist here 90 years old. He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years and everyone still calls him 'Doctor'! And me - I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me, 'The ****ing Arab'."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Originally shown on BBC TV back in the 1970's, Ronnie Barker could say all this without a snigger, though who knows after how many takes it took.
The story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.
Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits and shivelling shot.
At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered. The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fatty swannies.
The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.
Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and digbicks. The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.
At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.
The very next day, the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart. "Who's fust jarted?" asked the prandsome hince. "Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge.
When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.
Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on. He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly.
Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ed Miliband walks into a bank to cash a cheque. "Good morning", says Ed, "could you please cash this cheque for me?"
Cashier: "It would be my pleasure Sir, but could you please show me some identification?"
Miliband: "Truthfully… I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. But hang on! I'm Ed Miliband, Leader of the Opposition and of the Labour Party!!!"
Cashier: ""Yes Sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers etc, I must insist on seeing some identification".
Miliband: "Just ask any of the customers here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am!"
Cashier: "I'm sorry Sir, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them".
Miliband: "I am urging you please, to cash this cheque for me".
Cashier: "Look Sir, this is what we can do. One day Colin Montgomery came into the bank without any ID. To prove he was Colin Montgomery he pulled out his putter and putted a ball along the floor and into a small cup. With that sort of skill we knew it was Colin Montgomery and we cashed his cheque. On another occasion, Andy Murray came in without any ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and lobbed a tennis ball straight into my teacup with such a spectacular shot that we all knew it was Andy Murray and we cashed his cheque. So Sir, what can you do to prove that it is you and only you, as the Leader of the Opposition?"
Ed Miliband stood there thinking and thinking and then finally says, "To be honest, there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing that I'm any good at."
Cashier: "Will it be large or small notes you require Mr Miliband?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tools Explained
PILLAR DRILLA tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench at the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh ****".
A portable cutting tool used to make wooden planks too short.
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your workshop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most workshops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the rubbish bin after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
Normally used for stabbing and removing vehicle oil filters and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
A tool used to make hoses too short.
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
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All flights from Cape Town International was cancelled because of the huge dust cloud caused by the WP when they opened the trophy closet
TNT88
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It's like suddenly everybody has become me when Wales/Sharks lose.
TNT88
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lol ^
Another random thing. This is possibly the best interview ever:
Basically this sensationalist pseudo-news program go to Bali every year and film drunk schoolies in an attempt to paint 16 year olds as psyco alcoholics who no self control. And to make parents who let their kids go look bad. This guy didn't just take the bait, he took the rod, and whatever was left of the journalist's ego with him!
I'm off to bali soon, hope to god these guys decide to film there again.
Another random thing. This is possibly the best interview ever:
Basically this sensationalist pseudo-news program go to Bali every year and film drunk schoolies in an attempt to paint 16 year olds as psyco alcoholics who no self control. And to make parents who let their kids go look bad. This guy didn't just take the bait, he took the rod, and whatever was left of the journalist's ego with him!
I'm off to bali soon, hope to god these guys decide to film there again.
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A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow policeman.
He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON
and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock .
He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow police's expense!!
Glasgow cop , " Licence and registration, please."
London Lawyer , "What for?"
Glasgow cop , "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
London Lawyer , "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Glasgow cop , "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please"
London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Glasgow cop , "The difference is, ye huvte come to complete stop, that's the law,
Licence and registration, please!"
London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
Glasgow cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Glaswegian takes out his baton, and starts beating the living daylights out of the lawyer, and says, "Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?"
He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON
and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock .
He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow police's expense!!
Glasgow cop , " Licence and registration, please."
London Lawyer , "What for?"
Glasgow cop , "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
London Lawyer , "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Glasgow cop , "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please"
London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Glasgow cop , "The difference is, ye huvte come to complete stop, that's the law,
Licence and registration, please!"
London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
Glasgow cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Glaswegian takes out his baton, and starts beating the living daylights out of the lawyer, and says, "Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?"
Icemn
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What's the difference between a dryer and your mom?
When I drop a load in the dryer, it doesn't follow me around for 3 weeks
When I drop a load in the dryer, it doesn't follow me around for 3 weeks
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lucky number 7
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You stealing from my facebook Draaaggs 
lynam1104
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I like to think of it as more of a long term Heterosexual relationship.
dasNdanger
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das
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