Make me Laugh, TRF

[TRF_heineken]

Any Questions?

 

[Groundhog]

Just found this Beaut

 

[smartcooky]

When Chinese - English translation goes bad!

So, it was my grand-daughter's 3rd birthday last week, and her best friend gave her an animal jigsaw puzzle. Its made in China

Who can spot the translation clanger?

 

[TRF_Ezequiel]

Big ***s hahahaha

 

[Icemn]

The All Blacks prepare to take on South Africa in the rugby championship. Just before the All Black take the field McCaw approaches his team mates and tells them that they can head off to the hotel and he will face the Boks alone. Astonished and perplexed by this outrageous statement they agreed and head of the hotel. After 20 minutes they decide to switch on the TV, just to see how McCaw was doing. To their astonishment they saw the score was 7-0 in favour of McCaw, the team immediate started having drinks on McCaw wonderful progress. Later on the guys realized that the game should now be over and decided to check the score. Amazed they saw the Boks managed to beat McCaw but only by 9-7. They decide to head off and try to find McCaw. The eventually find him sitting in the dressing room, siting clinching his head in his heads. He looks up and tells his team mates, that he is very sorry for disappointing them. Amazed the team smiles and says WHAT? This was an amazing achievement; you faced the Boks man alone and manage to lose by only 2 points. To which McCaw replied, "but guys, I got a red card early in the 2nd​ half…"

 

[smartcooky]

Big ***s hahahaha

Even funnier is that the bird in the picture is actually a parus major a.k.a. the Great ***! (you can now see where they made their mistake)

But my partner reckons that parus major are usually found in twos, and that their should be a second bird picture in the jigsaw; then the correct translation would be

"a pair of great ***s"

 

[smartcooky]

Iceman

Your story reminds me on one my father told me many years ago.

Apparently, there was a football (soccer) team in England called Preston North End. They were well known among English football fans of that time as "shite".

Training was on Tuesday nights, and it consisted of the usual fitness regimes, followed by a skills session and ended with the guys splitting up into two teams for a practice match.

One Tuesday evening, half the squad of 30 or so weren't able to make it to training due to a severe traffic jam. The remaining dozen or so who actually made it to the ground just carried on as usual until it came time for the practice match... they didn't have enough players.

One of the guys hit on the idea of putting some rubbish tins on the field in the right positions and then for them to practice around them. They scraped up 11 rubbish tins from around the park, put one in the goal mouth and the other ten in a 4-3-3 formation. Then they kicked off and started playing against the rubbish tins, but they gave up after about 20 minutes because it clearly was not working as well as they had expected.... the rubbish tins were leading 3 - 0.

 

[Icemn]

Iceman

Your story reminds me on one my father told me many years ago.

Apparently, there was a football (soccer) team in England called Preston North End. They were well known among English football fans of that time as "shite".

Training was on Tuesday nights, and it consisted of the usual fitness regimes, followed by a skills session and ended with the guys splitting up into two teams for a practice match.

One Tuesday evening, half the squad of 30 or so weren't able to make it to training due to a severe traffic jam. The remaining dozen or so who actually made it to the ground just carried on as usual until it came time for the practice match... they didn't have enough players.

One of the guys hit on the idea of putting some rubbish tins on the field in the right positions and then for them to practice around them. They scraped up 11 rubbish tins from around the park, put one in the goal mouth and the other ten in a 4-3-3 formation. Then they kicked off and started playing against the rubbish tins, but they gave up after about 20 minutes because it clearly was not working as well as they had expected.... the rubbish tins were leading 3 - 0.

wtf

 

[TRF_heineken]

 

[big ginger 8]

<iframe width="420" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/i-KVyCKkuXI" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

I had nothing to do with the making of this video.

 

[flam]

 

[Groundhog]

<iframe width="420" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/i-KVyCKkuXI" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen=""></iframe>

I had nothing to do with the making of this video.

Haha that guy is such a gobshite

 

[big ginger 8]

Haha that guy is such a gobshite

You are yeah.

 

[Groundhog]

You are yeah.

Apologies my good man?

 

[Teh Mite]

The other day I was in an empty pub having a quiet beer by myself.

The door opened and in walked the most stunning woman I've ever laid eyes on. 5'11'' tall, stunning blue eyes, silky blonde hair, an hourglass figure barely covered by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy cotton top.. I could see she was not wearing a bra and her incredibly firm breasts were on show.

After watching her walk in I turned back to my beer. No sooner had I taken a sip when I turn to see her pulling another bar stool up close to me and sitting down.

She said ' Hi ', and I said ' Hi' in return. She asked how I was an took my hand and placed it on her perfect inner thigh, rubbing it up and down.

'So, does that make you feel good?' she asked. .

'I'll bet you feel good,' she continued. 'In fact, I'll bet you've never felt this good before.'

'Well, I have,' I corrected her. 'You see, when I was 18, I was picked to play for the school 1st. XV in the Public School Finals in front of a crowd of about 3000 and I felt really good.'

I immediately felt a bit pathetic saying that and I thought she would get up and go but she took my hand off her thigh and put it up the front of her top. Her nipple pushed into my palm as she massaged my hand into her pert, perfect breast.

'How do you feel now,' she purred.'OK' I replied.

Again, she said, 'I'll bet you do. In fact, I'll bet you've never felt THIS good before!'

Unbelievably I heard myself saying 'Well, actually I have. In that game, we were down by six points with about 20 seconds left in the match. The Opposition kicked the ball deep into our half of the field,where I caught it. I ran up field, side-stepping past the first few defenders, handed off a couple of would-be tacklers, burst through a few forwards, chipped over their fullback, regathered and scored a try right under the posts with about 2 or 3 seconds 'till full time. We were still behind by one point, but I had a simple kick at goal with which to win the match and........ '

" Ahhh...." she growled between clenched teeth, more than a bit miffed, pulled my hand from under her top and thrust it down the front of her skirt. My fingers immediately met what felt like a wisp of soft cotton, and she was wet !!!!

She snapped, 'Well tell me this, clever shite: Have you ever felt such a perfect c*nt?



















''I certainly have' I answered, 'I missed the kick.'

 

[Teh Mite]

Two guys from Invercargill die and wake up in hell.

The next day the devil stops in to check on them and sees them dressed in swannies, mittens and balaclavas warming themselves around the fire. The devil asks them, "What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?"

The two guys reply, "Well, you know, we're from Invercargill, the land of snow and ice and cold. We're just Happy for a chance to warm up a little bit, eh." The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat. The next morning he stops in again and there they are, still dressed in swannies, mittens and balaclavas

The devil asks them again, "It's awfully hot down here, can't you guys feel it?" Again the two guys reply, "Well, like we told ya yesterday, we're from Invercargill, the land of snow and ice and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit, eh."

This gets the devil a little steamed up and he decides to fix these two guys. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. The people are wailing and screaming everywhere. He stops by the room with the two guys from Invercargill and finds them in "T" shirts, footie shorts and jandals drinking a speights and cooking a "barbie"

The devil is astonished, "Everyone down here is in abject misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves." The two Southlanders reply, "Well, ya know, we don't get too much warm weather down there in Invercargill so we've just got to have a cook-up when the weather's THIS nice."

The devil is absolutely furious, he can hardly see straight. Finally he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off in hell. The next morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere; people are shivering so bad that they are unable to do anything but wail, moan and gnash their teeth.

The devil smiles and heads for the room with the two Southlanders. He gets there and finds them back in their swannies, mittens and balaclavas. NOW they are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men!!!

The devil is dumbfounded, "I don't understand, when I turn up the heat you're happy. Now it's freezing cold and you're still happy. What is wrong with you two???" The Southlanders look at the devil in surprise,

"Well, don't you know? If hell freezes over, it must mean that Southland has won the N.P.C rugby

 

[SelimNiai]

This video may not make sense to the older/non-uk users but;

vt.tumblr.com/tumblr_mavexe8EAR1qd6t4b.mp4

If someone could make me a gif of the second fist pump I'd be very happy

 

[TRF_heineken]

 

[Icemn]

Ghout!!!!!!!!!!!



Ai,niks in die lewe bring groter vreugde vir 'n moeë Kapenaar met 'n
vis-en-hoender dieet as 'n langnaweek in die Karoo of Vrystaat nie. Die oggend,
middag en aand vleisvure brand hoog en die vet drup uit die vakansie baarde,
dis 'n geil besigheid man, geil sê ek jou, geil. Jou beker loop oor. Soggens is
dit skaap niertjies, middae skaaptjops en saans ietsie kleins soos 'n steak of
varkboudjie. Hier beteken 'n gebalanseerde dieet 'n tjop in elke hand.
Tussendeur word daar aan springbokbiltong of geelvet beesbiltong gekou om die
kieste in oefening te hou. Soos met alle goeie dinge kom daar 'n einde aan
alles.


Dieterugtog Kaap toe kom soos 'n dief in die nag. Daar word uitgestel en
weggepraat maar vader tyd het gesê dis Sondagmiddag en so sal dit wees. Na 'n
skaapvleis ontbyt word die langpad gevat met skaapboud-toebroodjies, biltong en
droëwors vir padkos. Voetslepend en klaend word die tasse gepak en gelaai en
met stroewe gesigte word die familie gegroet. Die stilte in die motor is
oorverdowend wanneer ons die N1 vat terug Kaap toe.


Edenburg,Trompsburg, Colesberg, Spietkop, Hanover, Spietkop, Richmond, Kamera - -
flits die dorpe verby. Drie Susters... amper halfpad en die Sondagmiddag
trek lang skadu's oor die Groot Karoo. Ai, as ons maar al die skapies langs die
pad kon saamvat vir die mense in die Kaap. Hulle weet nie wat hulle mis nie.
Glo mos net aan vis en hoender. Hoender is mos die nasionale voël van die
Wes-Kaap.


Na Drie Susters kom ek agter daar is fout. Groooooot fout!!!! 'n Pyn van
epidermiese proporsies skiet my regterenkel binne. Dit moet 'n beroerte wees!!!
Ek sweer dis 'n hartaanval... my hart sit juis in my skoene. Kry mens miskien
'n voet aanval, bosluis voet of slang voet?


Diemoontlikhede is legio. Die pyn neem alles oor. Die kinders wonder of pa Krismis
gaan haal. Liefie wil weet of ek koors het. "Bel die dokter" is al
wat ek uitkry terwyl ek stotterend asem probeer kry en my lewe by my
verbyflits. Ek trap die petrol dieper in met my linkervoet terwyl trane saggies
oor my wange rol. Hoekom is die Kaap so vêr??


Vrouliefbel die dokter wakker uit sy Sondagmiddagslapie. Dis NOOD broer. Sy vertel in
kort, afgemete sinne wat haar diagnose is. Dok vra hieroor en daaroor en waar
die pyn is en of daar ou rugby beserings is in die regtervoet. Dan 'n lang
stilte. Ons albei verwag die ergste en ek ry stadiger om die skok beter te
absorbeer. "Nee" sê Dok, "as dit so pyn en die pyn daar is en
julle die en daai geëet het, daar geen koors is nie, die pyn nie
"loop" nie, dan lyk dit na ghout."


"Wathet jy in die kar? Het jy enige iets vir kinders vir karsiek?"


Dankietog, dink ek, ons is al by die merrikasie, ons vorder. "O, setpille"
hoor ek vroulief sê. "Hy moet ten minste 100mg inkry". "Maar ek
het net 15 en 20mg pilletjies" hoor ek vroutjie sê terwyl ek hard dink hoe
ek die klomp pille in my fondament gaan opkry. Synde Dok op
"loudspeaker" is, kan ek darem self in my toestand uitwerk hoeveel
keer gaan ek die prosedure moet doen. Toe Dok aflui staan ek dadelik vas - my
fondament is 'n "one-way" en ek het ook 'n binneste - "Sal wag
tot op Beaufort-Wes, daar behoort 'n noodapteek te wees" sê ek kortaf en
handel daarmee die gesprek af ter wille van die kinders.


OpBeaufort-Wes is 'n noodapteek so skaars soos reën.. Niks oop op 'n Sondagaand
nie. "Druk maar deur Kaap toe" kners ek tussen my tande uit. Ek sit
nou al kaalvoet met die lugreëling vol oop op my voet. Vroulief maak die
kinders en haarself onder kombersies toe maar sê eerder niks nie. Ek wil my
voet vries sodat ek hom kan afbreek en in die kar se boot terug Kaap toe ry. 'n
Man het sy trots en ek is geen hoender wat klein pilletjies agterstevoor om pik
nie.


OpLeeu Gamka is al my manlikheid maan toe - alles is wit van die pyn. "Vrou
gee maar - dit is nou of nooit, en ek "nou" liewer as
"nooit". Vroulief fynkam haar "toolbox" en kom met die
fantastiese nuus - "Hier's nog 'n 100mg setpil". Dankie tog. Elke pyn
het sy eie gewig. My pyn voel baie swaarder as 100mg maar met pilletjie in die
hand bestorm, of was dit nou bekruip of huppel ek na die plek van verligting by
die Ultra City. Hierdie ding moet net werk, dink ek by myself en probeer moed
skep en myself opwerk en motiveer vir dit wat voorlê.


Ekworstel en sweet, maar ek weet hy MOET in, my moed gaan dit nie 'n tweede keer
maak nie. Dit voel vir my of ek die "bulls eye" van 'n dartboard van
die agterkant af op een been moet kry terwyl ek die ander mense in die
kleedkamer met fyn en sagte kreungeluidjies vermaak. Die ding voel soos 'n
pynappel.


Nadit vir my gevoel het soos ure se gesukkel is ek terug kar toe en ons vat die
pad verder Kaap toe. Die kinders wil weet hoekom pa se oë so groot is en of ek
vir hulle Rooikappie en Wolf gaan opvoer om die pad om te kry. Niemand sê
verder iets nie en tot vroulief bly tjoepstil, sy weet wanneer vraetyd verby
is. Dit is so stil in die kar dat die kinders snoesig aan die slaap raak. Ek
sit nogsteeds met my pyn en trap die petrol al hoe dieper om in die Kaap te
kom. My voet pyn en my fondament brand soos 'n koeëlwond. Ek voel vuil, soos
iemand wat verkrag is en die gebeure in die toilette op Leeu Gamka is vir ewig
in my geheue ingeprent. Wonder of ek nie 'n sielkundige moet gaan sien as die
pyn eers weg is nie?


ByLaingsburg probeer vroutjie 'n geselsie. "Voel jy al beter, Skat?"
"NEE, magtag, maar dis 'n skerp pil daai." Ek is sommer die duiwel in
vir als wat wit jasse dra. "Wat bedoel jy met 'n skerp pil?" wil
vroulief weet.


"Daaris dan blêrrie alluminium om die pil, man. Ek moes die pil omtrent panelbeat om
die meeste van die skerp kante plat te kry. As ek die ding net so in my
fondament gedruk het sou ek my teen die tyd al inwendig doodgebloei het"
verduidelik ek.


Dievolgende oomblik smaak dit vir my vroulief het as selfmoord bomplanter by
Al-Kaïda gekwalifiseer. Sy ontplof dat die kinders se lyfies so ruk en hulle
met hulle handjies bokant hulle koppe gryp in hulle slaap. Ek het haar laas so
hoor lag toe sy gehoor het van haar eerste swangerskap. Sy sien die reuse
vraagteken op my voorkop en sy bulder dit uit: " JY MOES DIE ALLUMINIUM
AFHAAL JOU DOMKOP!!!!!!!!!"


Metdie trek sy haar selfoon nader en ek weet die pyn word nou weer vir
al haar vriendinne vertel. Dat die verskriklikste pyn in my voet en 'n brandpyn
in my fondament nou vir iemand so snaaks kan wees. Ek moes myself verdedig.
"Maar ek dog dit werk soos 'n kapsule. Mens breek mos nie 'n kapsule oop
nie, netnou vergiftig jy jouself met 'n oordosis, die besigheid moet mos stadig
mens se sisteem bekruip." My manlikheid en intellek is daarmee heen. Die
hele wêreld gaan dit ook nou weet. Vroulief mishandel behoorlik die selfoontjie
om die nuus oor die heelal te versprei terwyl sy saggies, amper geheimsinnig
giggel en geluidjies van plesier maak. Ek kry skielik simpatie met mans wat
hulle vrouens slaan.


Dokis natuurlik die eerste om van my ongelukkie te hoor. Hy kan sommer my lyding
oor die internet uitblaker en die eer kry vir die beste mediese joke van die
maand. Dokters is almal wetter's. Geen setpil sal ooit weer dieselfde wees nie.
Hoe gaan ek die wêreld weer in die oë kyk?


Gaanek ooit herstel van my ure van lyding en vernedering in die toilette op Leeu
Gamka? Ek raak hartseer en verlang terug na die tere liefde en simpatie van my
moeder.


Volgendeoggend is ek natuurlik 'n "celeb" by die werk. Almal wil net
bemoedigend aan my vat of 'n ou geselsie aanknoop. Wil weet of ek nou 'n
"stainless steel silencer" het. Ha ha ha - lag vir jouself man! Ek
wens julle kry die pyn wat ek in my voet gehad het in julle
"silencers", dan praat ons weer. Klomp ape!!!


Ek weet natuurlik NOU nog nie of die setpil gewerk het nie. Ek sal eers
moet wag tot al die aluminium deurgeroes het!

 

[TRF_Olyy]

This video may not make sense to the older/non-uk users but;

vt.tumblr.com/tumblr_mavexe8EAR1qd6t4b.mp4

If someone could make me a gif of the second fist pump I'd be very happy

Oh Jesus Christ I can't breathe :lol:
I missed it when it was on TV but heard that the Mr Blobby part was good :lol: :lol: