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dobrien7
Guest
Just looking at your avatar makes me giggle 
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QKXV
Guest
All thanks goes to my surgical team.Originally posted by dobrien7@Jul 14 2006, 08:48 AM
Just looking at your avatar makes me giggle
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Candyman
Guest
LITTLE VITO ON LIFE
A teacher asks her class, "If there are five birds sitting on a fence, and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"
She calls on Little Vito.
He replies, "None. They will all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is four, but I like your thinking."
Then, Little Vito says, "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which Little Vito replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on', but I like your thinking."
LITTLE VITO ON MATH
Little Vito returns from school, and he says he got an "F" arithmetic.
"Why?" asks Little Vito's father?
"The teacher asked me: 'How much is 2x3'. I said '6," replies Little Vito.
"But that's right!" says Little Vito's Dad.
"Yeah, but then she asked me: "How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the f***ing difference?" asks Little Vito's father.
"That's what I said!"
LITTLE VITO ON ENGLISH
Little Vito goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today, we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"
Little Vito says, "Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, Little Vito, that's a mouthful"
Little Vito says, "No, Miss Rogers. You're thinking of a blow-job."
LITTLE VITO ON GRAMMAR
Little Vito was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a ****!!"
The teacher replied, "Now, VITO, that is NOT the proper word to use in
this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use
The word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."
Little Vito, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger ***s, you'd be a TEN!"
LITTLE VITO ON MORE GRAMMAR
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice correctly. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress, and she looked beautiful in it"
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet, and it turned out beautiful."
She said, "Excellent, Michael!"
Then the teacher reluctantly called on Little Vito. He said, "Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, "Beautiful, just f***ing beautiful!"
LITTLE VITO ON GETTING OLDER
Little Vito was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said to him, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."
Little Vito replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
Little Vito answered, "No He minded his own f***ing business".
A teacher asks her class, "If there are five birds sitting on a fence, and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"
She calls on Little Vito.
He replies, "None. They will all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is four, but I like your thinking."
Then, Little Vito says, "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which Little Vito replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on', but I like your thinking."
LITTLE VITO ON MATH
Little Vito returns from school, and he says he got an "F" arithmetic.
"Why?" asks Little Vito's father?
"The teacher asked me: 'How much is 2x3'. I said '6," replies Little Vito.
"But that's right!" says Little Vito's Dad.
"Yeah, but then she asked me: "How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the f***ing difference?" asks Little Vito's father.
"That's what I said!"
LITTLE VITO ON ENGLISH
Little Vito goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today, we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"
Little Vito says, "Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, Little Vito, that's a mouthful"
Little Vito says, "No, Miss Rogers. You're thinking of a blow-job."
LITTLE VITO ON GRAMMAR
Little Vito was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a ****!!"
The teacher replied, "Now, VITO, that is NOT the proper word to use in
this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use
The word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."
Little Vito, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger ***s, you'd be a TEN!"
LITTLE VITO ON MORE GRAMMAR
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice correctly. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress, and she looked beautiful in it"
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet, and it turned out beautiful."
She said, "Excellent, Michael!"
Then the teacher reluctantly called on Little Vito. He said, "Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, "Beautiful, just f***ing beautiful!"
LITTLE VITO ON GETTING OLDER
Little Vito was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said to him, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."
Little Vito replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
Little Vito answered, "No He minded his own f***ing business".
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woosaah
Guest
yeah thats pretty funny
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MonoTurd
Guest
lol nice one Candyman
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ak47
Guest
ROFLMAO :lol: :lol:
:bravo:
:lol: :cheers: :lol2tn: :lol2tn:
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ak47
Guest
There was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the
hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.
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No pun in ten did.
The fight we had last night was my fault,
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my wife asked me what was on the TV and i said dust
Why did the Scarecrow win the Noble Prize?
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He was out standing in his field
hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.
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No pun in ten did.
The fight we had last night was my fault,
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my wife asked me what was on the TV and i said dust
Why did the Scarecrow win the Noble Prize?
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He was out standing in his field
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Mr. Laxative
Guest
An American Indian boy goes up to his dad one day and asks:
"Daddy, Daddy... how did you name my older brother?"
"Well son," the dad answered, "As you know his name is Two Deer Running, this is his name because after he was born your mum and I looked out of the teepee and the first thing we saw were two deer running."
"But dad, what about my sister?" asked the son, "Three Eagles Soaring."
"Exactly the same thing happened son, we looked out the teepee when she was born and the first thing we saw were three eagles soaring."
"But dad," said the son another time, "What about my younger brother?"
Well son, as you know his name is Bear Rearing, and this is because when he came out, we looked out of the teepee and the first thing we saw was a bear rearing"
"But why do you ask, Two Dogs F***ing??"
"Daddy, Daddy... how did you name my older brother?"
"Well son," the dad answered, "As you know his name is Two Deer Running, this is his name because after he was born your mum and I looked out of the teepee and the first thing we saw were two deer running."
"But dad, what about my sister?" asked the son, "Three Eagles Soaring."
"Exactly the same thing happened son, we looked out the teepee when she was born and the first thing we saw were three eagles soaring."
"But dad," said the son another time, "What about my younger brother?"
Well son, as you know his name is Bear Rearing, and this is because when he came out, we looked out of the teepee and the first thing we saw was a bear rearing"
"But why do you ask, Two Dogs F***ing??"
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Candyman
Guest
This was written by a guy... it's pretty damn smart. Girls -- Have a
sense of humour!
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't
feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said, "WHAT??!! What was
that?!" So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet
dreads to hear.. "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman
enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my
puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what
I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with
her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big
unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on
several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to
take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing s3xual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said,
"I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?" I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having s3x tonight either....but at least that B1tch knows I'm smarter than her.
sense of humour!
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't
feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said, "WHAT??!! What was
that?!" So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet
dreads to hear.. "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman
enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my
puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what
I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with
her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big
unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on
several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to
take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing s3xual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said,
"I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?" I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having s3x tonight either....but at least that B1tch knows I'm smarter than her.
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ak47
Guest
Whats purple and mowes my lawn??
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My black ****er slave and i can paint him whatever farkin colour i want
h34r: h34r:
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My black ****er slave and i can paint him whatever farkin colour i want
h34r: h34r:
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InsaneAsylum
Guest
Q. what did the kiwi say to his girlfriend?
A. how ewe doin
A. how ewe doin
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melon
Guest
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getofmeland
Guest
Please try to keep the jokes to a clean level people or this thread could disappear if people continue to abuse it...
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..::ERIC::..
Guest
You have got to be kidding me! You removed a joke about cancer! FFS man, there is so much worse around here! Cancer! f***ing hell man.
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getofmeland
Guest
it was the whole joke I judged not to be funny and not to abide by the rules, the joke was sick...
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..::ERIC::..
Guest
Well isn't racism f***ing more censorable to what I thought was a very common joke that most people would have heard anyway?
What about this altered version:
What did the poor orphan get for christmas?
A lump of coal.
Is that tolerable because I didn't mention the big C?
What about this altered version:
What did the poor orphan get for christmas?
A lump of coal.
Is that tolerable because I didn't mention the big C?
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getofmeland
Guest
Just accept the decision, it has been made now... and if this arguement wants to continue PM Me, or I will just delete this entire thread...
It was not a funny joke, it was sick joke about disability, and something that I dont want to see... I found it offending...
It was not a funny joke, it was sick joke about disability, and something that I dont want to see... I found it offending...
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ak47
Guest
A JOKES A JOKE
SIMPLE AS THAT
NOTHING MORE NOTHING LESS
TONGUE IN CHEEK SLEDGE
TAKE IT PERSONALLY? - CALL UR SELF INZY AL HAQ
SIMPLE AS THAT
NOTHING MORE NOTHING LESS
TONGUE IN CHEEK SLEDGE
TAKE IT PERSONALLY? - CALL UR SELF INZY AL HAQ
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getofmeland
Guest
its the way the joke is inturprepted... and some jokes are sick, and should not be considered as jokes or tongue in cheek, if it breaks the rules then its gone simple...
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..::ERIC::..
Guest
Fair enough, but I still think there are far more offensive, rule breaking posts on this forum that the staff support, sometimes even post themselves.
I personally don't mind them, because they are meant to be jokes and everybody could see that. Even a kid with cancer could.
I personally don't mind them, because they are meant to be jokes and everybody could see that. Even a kid with cancer could.
