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Jokes

there was this maori guy who had trouble with sleep-walking. every night in his sleep he would get up and take a run around the block and come home and go back to bed. this went of for about 2 months when the maori finally got fed up and went to the doctor and explained his problem.
"so can you help me doc?" he asks
"yes i can" said the doctor
the doctor then put some white powder on the table.
"cocaine?" asked the maori
"no" said the doctor, "its Persil washing powder. it stops colours from running"

:D :D :D my dad told me that one just a few minutes ago
 
lol thats awsome mono

TOP TEN TV SHOWS IN IRAQ

10. Husseinfeld

9. Mad About Everything

8. Allah McBeal

7. Wheel of Fortune and Terror

6. Achmed's Creek

5. The Price is Right if Saddam Says it's Right

4. Children Are Forbidden From Saying Anything Darndest

3. The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show

2. Buffy the Slayer of American Imperialist Dogs

1. Suddenly Sanctions
 
a blonde took her car to the mechanic because it was making some weird noises.
"did you fix the problem?" she asked
"yeah just **** in the radiator" he said
"oh right" she said, "how often do i have to do that?"
 
Q. How can you tell a blonde has used your computer?
A. There is white out on the screen.

Q. What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
A. "Are you sure it's mine?"

Q. Did you hear about the blonde that needed gas money?
A. She sold her car for it...

Q. What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?
A. Pull the pin and throw it back.

Q. Why do blondes smile when there's lighting?
A. They think their getting their picture taken.
 
Q. What has four legs and no ears?
A. Mike Tyson's dog

hahaha thats one very funny joke... i love it, almost brought me to tears
 
Q. Whats the difference between a Llawyer and a bucket of ****?

A. The Bucket




Three English fellas came into a pub where an irish fella was drinkin' The first English fella said to the other two; I bet I can get this Irish fella angry. So he goes up to the irish fella and tells him that St Patrick was a retard. The Irish fella says; 'Was he now' without any reaction. Bemused, the English guy returns to his friends table. The second English fella thinks he can do better and goes over to the Irish fella and tells him that St Patrick was a retarded tranvestite. Again, this does not provoke a reaction from the Irish man. The third english man, quite angry himself at this point goes over to the Irishman and says; 'St Patrick was ENGLISH!' The Irish fella replies; 'So your friends were telling me'
 
What do they YELL in an Islamic Strip Club?
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Show us ya FACE!!!!!
 
whats the diffrence between anal and a microwave?

a microwave doesnt brown your meat.
 
there was an Aussie in New Zealand, walking down the road, when he comes across a Kiwi guy shagging a sheep.

the Aussie says to the Kiwi, "mate, back home we shear those ********"

the Kiwi stops and replies, "wull i'm not shearing thus ******* wuth innyone"
 
Originally posted by InsaneAsylum@Jul 12 2006, 04:36 PM
there was an Aussie in New Zealand, walking down the road, when he comes across a Kiwi guy shagging a sheep.

the Aussie says to the Kiwi, "mate, back home we shear those ********"

the Kiwi stops and replies, "wull i'm not shearing thus ******* wuth innyone"
i noticed that you spelt quite a few words wrong and there is a lot of bad grammer in that joke.
'wull' is spelt 'well'
'thus' doesnt make sense in that joke
'wuth' is spelt 'with'
'innyone' i can only assume you mean 'anyone'

your not making aussies look any smarter lol

just keep that in mind next time :D :D :D
 
Q. What does Michael Jackson and a Nintendo have in common?
A. They are both made of plastic and kids turn them on.
 
i know more maori than i do abbo and i'm not even tangata whenua


it's amazing what you learn by watching stickmen.... don't pick on guys wearing pink shirts :)
 
Originally posted by InsaneAsylum@Jul 12 2006, 06:13 PM
i know more maori than i do abbo and i'm not even tangata whenua


it's amazing what you learn by watching stickmen.... don't pick on guys wearing pink shirts :)
haha thats good advice
 
SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.


What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
20 kg's?

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.


Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade.
Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.


What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."

What's the Cuban National Anthem?
"Row, Row, Row Your Boat"

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe."

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides
 
Who said Footballers weren't intelligent?!


''My parents have always been there for me, ever since I was about 7."
David Beckham

"I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won the league."
Mark Viduka

"Alex Ferguson is the best manager I've ever had at this level. Well, he's the only manager I've actually had at this level. But he's the best manager I've ever had."
David Beckham

"If you don't believe you can win, there is no point in getting out of bed at the end of the day."
Neville Southall

"I've had 14 bookings this season - 8 of which were my fault, but 7 of which were disputable."
Paul Gascoigne

"I've never wanted to leave. I'm here for the rest of my life, and hopefully after that as well."
Alan Shearer

"I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona."
Mark Draper

"You've got to believe that you're going to win, and I believe we'll win the World Cup until the final whistle blows and we're knocked out."
Peter Shilton

"I faxed a transfer request to the club at the beginning of the week, but let me state that I don't want to leave Leicester."
Stan Collymore

"I was watching the Blackburn game on TV on Sunday when it flashed on the screen that George (Ndah) had scored in the first minute at Birmingham. My first reaction was to ring him up. Then I remembered he was out there playing."
Ade Akinbiyi

"Without being too harsh on David Beckham, he cost us the match."
Ian Wright

"I'm as happy as I can be - but I have been happier."
Ugo Ehiogu

"Leeds is a great club and it's been my home for years, even though I live in Middlesborough."
Jonathan Woodgate

"I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel."
Stuart Pearce

"I took a whack on my left ankle, but something told me it was my right."
Lee Hendrie

"I couldn't settle in Italy - it was like living in a foreign country."
Ian Rush

"Germany are a very difficult team to play...they had 11 internationals out there today."
Steve Lomas

"I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously my right sock."
Barry Venison

"I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don't know into what religion yet."
David Beckham

"The Brazilians were South American, and the Ukrainians will be more European."
Phil Neville

"All that remains is for a few dots and commas to be crossed."
Mitchell Thomas

"One accusation you can't throw at me is that I've always done my best."
Alan Shearer

"I'd rather play in front of a full house than an empty crowd."
Johnny Giles

"Sometimes in football you have to score goals."
Thierry Henry
 
An ugly woman walks into a shop with her two children.

The shopkeeper asks: "Are they twins?"

The woman says: "No, he's nine and she's seven. Why? Do you think they look alike?"

"No", he replies, "I just can't believe you got shagged twice."
 
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