Make me Laugh, TRF

[TRF_Ezequiel]

Little Johnny is playing with his trains and when the train enters the station he says: "Next stop Bleeckerstreet. All the assholes get off the train!"

His mother hears this and says: "Johnny, I do not want you to use that filthy language! Now, go to your room and think about what you did!"

A couple of hours, the little boy comes out of his room and starts playing with the trains again. All of a sudden he yells:"Next stop, Grand Central Station. Everybody get off the train. And for the people who are wondering why we've had a 3 hour delay, ask the ***** in the kitchen!"

Little Johnny has to help his grandma with a superpository (a pill to insert in your butt) because she has very short arms. His grandma explains that she will take of her pants, bends over and then little Johnny just has to insert the pill. When little Johnny is looking where to put it, he is unsure what to do and asks:"Grandma, where do I put it? That rusty hole or in the turkey's mouth?"

 

[bobwentpop]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qrBj3u5dPgM
I hope this isn't deemed as inappropriate! I understand it's probably a little edgy but really made me laugh.

[BLINK]LINK IS NSFW CONTENT[/BLINK]

 

[Teh Mite]

Sorry, we can't have it embedded. Kids and people at work use the board!

 

[SelimNiai]

I never knew what nsfw was until now.

Edit- For people who hate Sepp Blatter

 

[Teh Mite]

A truck driver, hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers, stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door that says, "COMPUTER NERDS NOT ALLOWED – ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!" He enters and sits down.
The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, and says that he smells kind of nerdy. He then asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver explains to him that he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender serves him a beer and says, "OK, truck drivers aren't nerds."
As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in wearing a pair of glasses with tape around the middle, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt that is at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that.
The bartender replied, "Don't worry. The computer nerds are in season because they are overpopulating Silicon Valley. You don't even need a license."
So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads for the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the road. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, snatching up all of the computers. The scavengers are comprised of engineers, accountants and programmers – computer geeks. Each of them wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen.
He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, killing several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.
The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought computer nerds were in season."
"Well, sure," says the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em!"

 

[TRF_Ezequiel]

Important Rules For Men:

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other.

 

[TRF_Ezequiel]

Four nuns are killed and arrive at the Gates of Heaven. They line up in front of St Peter.

The first nun says "St Peter, I once saw a man's penis. May I still enter?"

St Peter replies "Wash your eyes in this font of holy water and proceed."

The second nun says "St Peter, I once touched a man's penis. May I still enter?"

St Peter replies "Wash your hands in this font of holy water and proceed."

St Peter suddenly notices a scuffle between the last two nuns. The fourth nun is trying to cut in front of the third nun. "What is going on?" he asks the fourth nun.

"I'm trying to go first so I can wash my mouth out before she sticks her ass in the font of holy water!"

 

[TRF_Cymro]

I've just been sent home from work early.

Apparently, having a 'dress down day' for the Pakistan flood appeal does not justify showing up in a lifejacket, flippers and water wings.

 

[TRF_Ezequiel]

Two men were sitting in a bar on top of New York's Empire State Building, having a few pints.

One man says to the other, "Did you know that if you jump off this building, the wind will direct you back through a window?"
The other man replied that no, he did not know that, and furthermore he didn't believe it was true at all.

The first man then proceeded to demonstrate, jumping off the top of the building, and lo and behold, 10 stories later, he was sucked through a window and caught a lift back to the top.
The second man declared that the display was a mere fluke, so the first man demonstrated again, with the same result.
The second man was finally impressed, and decided to try it himself. So he jumped off the building and fell all the way down, landing with a sickening splat on the Manhattan sidewalk.

Back at the top of the building, the bartender walked up to the first man and said, "Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk".

 

[TRF_Ezequiel]

Three ducks go into a bar...

"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.
"Huey," was the reply.
"How's your day been, Huey?" he asked. "Great Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.

"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?"
"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.
"So how's your day been, Dewey?" he asked. "Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"
"No," she said, batting her eyelashes. "My name is Puddles."

 

[TRF_Ezequiel]

An Australian businessman was in Japan for a business trip, meeting with big Japanese executives of a fellow company to strike a business deal. The Japanese were keen to woo the Australian, and hired him a pretty "escort" for the duration of the trip.

The first night, the Australian was in bed with his escort. During the escapades in said bed, the Japanese escort kept yelling the same phrase in a high pitched, excited voice. The Australian took this as meaning he'd done a good job, and was happy.

The next morning, the Japanese businessmen invited the Australian to a Round of golf at a private golf course. On the 5th hole, one of the Japanese businessmen hit a hole in one. His fellow Japanese colleagues congratulated him excitedly, and the Australian decided to show off the new Japanese phrase he'd learned the night before, yelling it quite loudly to show his appreciation.

The Japanese men fell silent and stared at the Australian for a long time, until one of them enquired: "What do you mean, wrong hole?"

 

[King_D'Arcy]

How d'you stop the neighbours kid from stealing apples from your yard?


Molest him

 

[lynam1104]

How d'you stop the neighbours kid from stealing apples from your yard?


Molest him

A method you practice yourself?

 

[TRF_Cymro]

What do you call a gorilla named Geoff?

Geoff.

 

[lucky number 7]

Whats the main cause of paedophilia in ireland ?

sexy children

 

[King_D'Arcy]

How d'you circumsize a priest?

Kick the altar boy in the chin

 

[King_D'Arcy]

All of my jokes involve the corruption of children

 

[nickdnz]

Quite a famous one, but one of my favourites:



It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day the day you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the following day. So the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven.
The angel at the gate, remembering the new law, promptly asked the man, "Before I can let you in, I need you to tell me about the day you died.
"No problem," said the man. "Well, for some time now, I've thought my wife was having an affair. I believed that each day on her lunch hour, she'd bring her lover home to our 25th floor apartment and have sex with him. So today I was going to come home to catch them. Well, I got there and busted in and immediately began searching for this guy. My wife was naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. But, damn it, I couldn't find him!
Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy to think he could hide from me! Well, I ran out there and promptly stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But, wouldn't you know it, he landed in some bushes that broke his fall, and he didn't die. In a rage I went back inside to get the first thing I could find to throw at him. And oddly enough, the first thing I could grab was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony and heaved it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him!
The excitement of the moment was so great that right after that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."
The angel sat back and thought for a moment. Technically, the guy DID have a bad day, and it WAS a crime of passion, so he announced, "Ok, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.
A few seconds later the next guy came up. "Ok. Here's the rule. Before I can let you in, I need to hear about the day you died."
"Sure thing," the man replied. "But you're not gonna believe this. I was out on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises when I got a little carried away and accidentally fell over the side!
Luckily however, I was able to catch myself by my fingertips on the balcony directly beneath mine. When all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment and starts cussing and stomping on my fingers! Well of course I fall. I hit some trees and bushes on the way down which broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see the man push his refrigerator, of all things, over the ledge and it falls directly on top of me and kills me!"
The angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well," the angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets the man enter.
A few seconds later the third man in line comes up to the gate. "Tell me about the day you died," said the angel. "Ok. Picture this," says the man. "I'm naked inside a refrigerator...."

 

[King_D'Arcy]

A priest, R. Kelly and Michael Jackson are all, by chance, on the same plane. Also on the plane there is a primary school class going on a school trip or something.
The planes engines start to fail and it's going down. R. Kelly, MJ and Fr. Peter all jump into action and start looking for parachutes.
"There's only 3" said R. Kelly after a thorough investigation of the plane
"Us 3 will have to take them" said Fr. File
"But what about the Kids?" Asked Kelly
"**** the kids!" exclaimed the priest
"Is there time?" Asked Michael Jackson


I should add, before any wise ass pipes up, this all happened BEFORE Michael Jackson died

 

[TRF_Ezequiel]

Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men.

It was laid out in five floors, with men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended. The only rule was that once you opened a door to a new floor, you either had to choose a man from that floor, or ascend to the next floor. You could not go back down a floor, except to leave the store, never to return.

A couple of girlfriends went to the store to find a husband each.

First floor.

The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids."

The women read the sign saying, "Well that's better than not having a job and not loving kids, but I wonder what's up further?" So up they went.

Second floor.

The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking."

"Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's further up?"

Third floor.

This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework."

"Wow," said the women, "Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went.

Fourth floor.

This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak."

"Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on! So up to the fifth floor they went.

Fifth floor.

The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are impossible to please. The exit is to your left, we hope you fall down the stairs."