Make me Laugh, TRF

[TRF_Ezequiel]

DISCLAIMER: I do not in any way endorse stereotyping of anyone for any purposes other than awesome jokes like the following:

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent bombings and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.

And at a local level...New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the airforce being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "Shut, I hope Austrulia will come end riscue us".

In the event of invasion, New Zealanders will be asked to gather together in a strategic defensive position called "Bondi".

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain, "Crikey!', "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled".

There has not been a situation yet that has warranted the use of the final escalation level.

 

[SelimNiai]

Why did the couple from Cuba get a divorce

'Cos the man was Havana affair.

 

[User1245]

Why did the couple from Cuba get a divorce

'Cos the man was Havana affair.

No, just no :lol:

 

[TRF_Cymro]

I can't believe Raoul Moat killed a cop and got away that easily.

If that was me, I would've had 3 stars and a chopper on my ass.

 

[TRF_Cymro]

Sir Alex Ferguson has been brought in by Northumbria police to assist in the hunt for Raoul Moat.

After his success with Juan Sebastian Veron, the police think he's the idea man to capture another over hyped useless ****.

 

[TRF_Ezequiel]

There were three men who were lost in the forest. They
were then captured by cannibals. The cannibal king then
told the prisoners that they could live if they pass the
trial. First step of the trial is to go to the forest
with the cannibals and get ten pieces of the same kind of
fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought
ten apples." The king then explains the trial to him. You
have to shove the fruits up your ass without any expression
on your face or you'll be eaten. The first apple went in...
but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was
killed and went to heaven.

The second one arrives and shows the king his ten fruits
were berries. When the king explained the trial to him he
thought to himself that this should be easy.

1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... 7... 8... on the ninth berry
he burst out in laughter, therefore also was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first
one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with
it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw
the third guy coming with pineapples."

 

[allblacksfreak]

Not sure if this was posted before, but I believe it's quite appropriate for the current time..

A South African was sitting with an Aussie and an Englishman in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled barrel of beer, when all of a sudden the police entered and arrested them. They were initially given the death sentence but contested this and were finally imprisoned for life. But as it was a national holiday, the Sheik decided they should be released after each receiving 20 lashes of the whip.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik suddenly said: "It's my first wife's birthday today and she asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping, but you can not wish to not be whipped!"

The Englishman thought for a second then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back before whipping." This was done but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Englishman cried in pain.

The Aussie saw this and said: "Please tie 2 pillows to my back before whipping." This was done and lasted for the whole 20 lashes. The Aussie stood up smiling.

The South African saw this but before he could make his wish, the Sheikh said: "As you are from South Africa with all that crime, a cricket team who is always losing in a final and a rugby team who can't win anything, you are permitted to have two wishes!"

The South African thought for a second, then said: "Thank you most Royal and Merciful Highness. My first wish is to receive a hundred
lashes with the strongest, toughest whip available."

"If you so desire," the Sheik replies with a questioning look on his face, "and your second wish?"

"Tie the Aussie to my back"

 

[Feicarsinn]

Here's one for Bullitt:

THIS IS LABOUR GOVERNMENT

REST OF THE WORLD VERSION:

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.

The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

THE END

------------------------------------------------------------------------

LABOUR GOVERNMENT THE UK VERSION

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.

A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press conference and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the grasshopper, are cold and starving.

The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with food.

The British press inform people that they should be ashamed that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so, while others have plenty.

The Labour Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights and The Grasshopper Council of GB demonstrate in front of the squirrel's house. The BBC, interrupting a cultural festival special from Notting Hill with breaking news, broadcasts a multi-cultural choir singing 'We shall overcome'.

Ken Livingstone rants in an interview with Trevor McDonald that the squirrel got rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay his 'fair share' and increases the charge for squirrels to enter inner London .

In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper anti Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer.

The squirrel's taxes are reassessed. He is taken to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as builders for the work he was doing on his home and an additional fine for contempt when he told the court the grasshopper did not want to work. The grasshopper is provided with a council house, financial aid to furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can be socially mobile. The squirrel's food is seized and re distributed to the more needy members of society, in this case the grasshopper.

Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start building a new home. The local authority takes over his old home and utilises it as a temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had hijacked a plane to get to Britain as they had to share their country of origin with mice. On arrival they tried to blow up the airport because of Britain 's apparent love of dogs.

The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking and attempted bombing but were immediately released because the police fed them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody. Initial moves to return them to their own country were abandoned, because it was feared they would face death by the mice. The cats devise and start a scam to obtain money from people's credit cards.

A Panorama special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of the squirrel's food, though spring is still months away, while the council house he is in, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain the house. He is shown to be taking drugs. Inadequate government funding is blamed for the grasshoppers' drug 'illness'.

The cats seek recompense in the British courts for their treatment since arrival in UK .

The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a burglary to get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but released immediately because he has been in custody for a few weeks. He is placed in the care of the probation service to monitor and supervise him.. Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a botched robbery.

A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost £10,000,000 and state the obvious, is set up. Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for
grasshoppers and legal aid for lawyers representing asylum seekers is increased. The government praises the asylum-seeking cats for enriching Britain 's multicultural diversity, and dogs are criticised by the government for failing to befriend the cats.

The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose. The usual sections of the press blame it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity and his traumatic experience of prison. They call for the resignation of a government minister.

The cats are paid a million pounds each because their rights were infringed when the government failed to inform them there were mice in the United Kingdom .

The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing, the burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional percentage on their credit cards to cover losses. Their taxes are increased to pay for law and order, and they are told that they will have to work beyond 65 because of a shortfall in government funds.

THE END

 

[shtove]

No, feicarsinn - that's just depressing.

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[TRF_Cymro]

I was going through airport customs and I got asked "Do you have any firearms?"

Apparently, "What do you need?" wasn't the right answer.

 

[Feicarsinn]

Do you know what really bugs me?

Discreetly placed microphones.

 

[TRF_Cymro]

I was working late at the Carphone Warehouse last night when I received this text from my daughter:
'Dad,thespacebuttonisfaultyonthisphone.
Whenyougethomepleasegivemeanalternative.'

And as I eagerly rushed home, I couldn't help but wonder...

What the hell does 'ternative' mean?

 

[Feicarsinn]

Ah Sickipedia, is there an easier way to make your friends think you're funny?

 

[TRF_Cymro]

Ah Sickipedia, is there an easier way to make your friends think you're funny?

One of the best!

 

[Seaton]

1.Teaching Maths in 1970

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.
What is his profit?


2. Teaching Maths In 1980

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is 80% of the price. ;
What is his profit?


3. Teaching Maths In 1990

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is £80.
How much was his profit?


4. Teaching Maths In 2000

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is £80 and his profit is £20..
Your assignment: Underline the number 20.


5. Teaching Maths In 2005

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and
inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the
preservation of our woodlands.
Your assignment: Discuss how the birds and squirrels might feel as the
logger cut down their homes just for a measly profit of £20.


6. Teaching Maths In 2009

A logger is arrested for trying to cut down a tree in case it may be
offensive to Muslims or other religious groups not consulted in the
felling licence.
He is also fined a £100 as his chainsaw is in breach of Health and
Safety legislation as it deemed too dangerous and could cut something.
He has used the chainsaw for over 20 years without incident however he
does not have the correct certificate of competence and is therefore
considered to be a recidivist and habitual criminal.
His DNA is sampled and his details circulated throughout all government
agencies. He protests and is taken to court and fined another £100
because he is such an easy target.
When he is released he returns to find Gypsies have cut down half his
wood to build a camp on his land. He tries to throw them off but is
arrested, prosecuted for harassing an ethnic minority, imprisoned and
fined a further £100.
While he is in jail the Gypsies cut down the rest of his wood and sell
it on the black market for £100 cash. They also have a leaving BBQ of
squirrel and pheasant and depart leaving behind several tonnes of
rubbish and asbestos sheeting.
On release, the logger is warned that failure to clear the fly tipped
rubbish immediately at his own cost is an offence. He complains and is
arrested for environmental pollution, breach of the peace and invoiced
£12,000 plus VAT for safe disposal costs by a regulated government
contractor.

Your assignment: How many times is the logger going to have to be
arrested and fined before he realises that he is never going to make £20
profit by hard work, gives up, signs onto the dole and lives off the
state for the rest of his life?


7. Teaching Maths In 2010

A logger doesn't sell a lorry load of timber because he can't get a loan
to buy a new lorry, as his bank has spent all his money and their money
on a derivative of securitised debt related to sub- prime mortgages in
Alabama and lost the lot with only some government money left to pay a
few million pound bonuses to their senior directors and the traders who
made the biggest losses.

The logger struggles to pay the £1,200 road tax on his old lorry.
However, as it was built in the 1970s, it no longer meets the emissions
regulations and he is forced to scrap it.

Some Bulgarian loggers buy the lorry from the scrap merchant and put it
back on the road. They undercut everyone on price for haulage and send
their cash back home, while claiming unemployment for themselves and
their relatives.
If questioned they speak no English and it is easier to deport them at
the governments expense. Following their holiday back home they return
to the UK with different names and fresh girls and start again.
The logger protests, is accused of being a bigot and a racist and, as
his name is on the side of his old lorry, he is forced to pay £1,500
registration fees as a gang master.

The Government borrows more money to pay more to the bankers as bonuses
are not cheap. The politicians feel they are missing out and claim the
difference on expenses and allowances.
You do the maths.

 

[TRF_Cymro]

Can't be assed to read something that long.

 

[SelimNiai]

[BLINK]*** WARNING - **** JOKE ALERT ***[/BLINK]

I used to own a big fleece coat, the only trouble was that it made me look like the Michelin Man. I soon got tyred of all the jokes.

[BLINK]*** I TOLD YOU IT WAS *******[/BLINK]

 

[TRF_Cymro]

My wife said that she's going to leave me.

But before she does, she is going to make sure that my bank balance is £0.

That's nice of her, paying off my overdraft.

 

[TRF_Ezequiel]

Today I won a big prize with the lottery. I told my wife "I won a million Euro's today in the lottery, pack your bags!"
She replied:"Amazing! What is the destination of the trip?"
Me:"I don't give a **** as long as you bugger off!"

 

[TRF_Cymro]

I spent 3 hours watching Big Brother last night, thinking all that fat lazy ****** has done is lay on the sofa scratching his balls and moaning.

Then I realised the TV wasn't even on... and it was just the reflection off the screen.