Classic Simpsons Quotes
The best of the best Simpsons quotes.
Homer: Marge? Since I'm not talking to Lisa, would you please ask her to pass me the syrup?
Marge: Dear, please pass your father the syrup, Lisa.
Lisa: Bart, tell Dad I will only pass the syrup if it won't be used on any meat product.
Bart: You dunkin' your sausages in that syrup homeboy?
Homer: Marge, tell Bart I just want to drink a nice glass of syrup like I do every morning.
Marge: Tell him yourself, you're ignoring Lisa, not Bart.
Homer: Bart, thank your mother for pointing that out.
Marge: Homer, you're not not-talking to me and secondly I heard what you said.
Homer: Lisa, tell your mother to get off my case.
Bart: Uhhh, dad, Lisa's the one you're not talking to.
Homer: Bart, go to your room.
Lionel Hutz: Well, he's kind of had it in for me ever since I accidentally ran over his dog. Actually, replace "accidentally" with "repeatedly," and replace "dog" with "son."
Homer: Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals ... except the weasel.
Homer: Aw, twenty dollars! I wanted a peanut!
Homer's Brain: Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts!
Homer: Explain how!
Homer's Brain: Money can be exchanged for goods and services!
Homer: Woo-hoo!
Bart: Dad, what's a Muppet?
Homer: Well, it's not quite a mop, not quite a puppet, but man... (laughs, then pauses) So, to answer you question, I don't know
Grandpa: My Homer is not a communist. He may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a communist, but he is not a porn star.
Homer: Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Ham?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Pork chops?
Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal.
Homer: Heh heh heh. Ooh, yeah, right, Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal
Scully: Homer, we're going to ask you a few simple yes or no questions. Do you understand?
Homer: Yes. (lie dectector blows up)
Marge: Homer, the plant called. They said if you don't show up tomorrow don't bother showing up on Monday.
Homer: Woo-hoo. Four-day weekend
Homer: I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me Superman!
Marge: Homer! There's someone here who can help you...
Homer: Is it Batman?
Marge: No, he's a scientist.
Homer: Batman's a scientist?!
Marge: It's not Batman!
Homer: Yeah, Moe, that team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked! I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked!
Marge: HOMER!
Homer: I gotta go Moe my damn weiner kids are listening
Homer: Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try
Homer: How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?
Homer: [drunk] Look, the thing about my family is there's five of us. Marge, Bart, Girl Bart, the one who doesn't talk, and the fat guy. Ohhhh I hate him!
Homer: Lisa, would you like a donut?
Lisa: No thanks. Do you have any fruit?
Homer: This has purple in it. Purple is a fruit
Homer: My dad's a disgrace, just like Bart's dad, me!
Bart Simpson (spelling "Impervious" in a spelling B): I...M...P
Nelson: Ha Ha! Bart is pee!
Ralph Wiggum: I made Bart in my pants!
Burns: I suggest you leave immediately
Homer: Or what? You'll release the dogs or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouths and when they bark they shoot bees at you?
Marge: Homer, is this how you pictured married life?
Homer: Yeah, pretty much, except we drove around in a van solving mysteries.
Homer: There's your giraffe, little girl.
Ralph Wiggum: I'm a boy.
Homer: That's the spirit. Never give up.
Moe: I'm better than dirt. Well, most kinds of dirt, not that fancy store-bought dirt... I can't compete with that stuff
Marge: (After Homer telling her that he's changed his name to Max Power) I don't want to snuggle with Max Power!
Homer: Nobody snuggles with Max Power, you strap in and feel the cheese!
Homer: From now on, there are three ways to do things: the right way, the wrong way, and the Max Power way.
Bart: Isn't that just the wrong way?
Homer: Yeah, but faster!
Milhouse: Remember the time he ate my goldfish? And you lied and said I never had goldfish. Then why did I have the bowl Bart? Why did I have the bowl?
Grandpa: Dear Mr. President, There are too many states nowadays. Please eliminate three.
P.S. I am not a crackpot
Homer: [Looking at a globe map...country being Uruguay]
Hee hee! Look at this country! 'You are gay.'
Homer: Fame was like a drug, but what was even more like a drug were the drugs
Leonard Nimoy: Hello. I'm Leonard Nimoy. The following tale of alien encounters is true. And by true, I mean false. It's all lies. But they're entertaining lies. And in the end, isn't that the real truth? The answer is: No.
Carl: Oh no! Homer's going over those falls!
Lenny: Oh good! He snagged that tree branch.
Carl: Oh no! The branch broke off!
Lenny: Oh good! He can grab onto them pointy rocks!
Carl: Oh no! Them pointy rocks broke his arms and legs.
Lenny: Oh good! Those helpful beavers are swimming out to save him!
Carl: Oh no! They're biting him, and stealing his pants!
Homer: I want everyone to know that this is Ned Flanders... my friend!
Lenny: What did he say?
Carl: I dunno. Somethin' about being gay
Homer: [Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
Quote Rating: 8.9 outta 10 - Vote Now!
Ralph: [whispering] Lisa, what's the answer to number seven?
Lisa: [whispering] Sorry, Ralph. That would defeat the purpose of testing as a means of student evaluation.
Ralph: [pauses] My cat's name is Mittens
Trent: [walking up] The man knows what he likes.
Homer: Just taking care of business.
Trent: If you don't, who will, huh? Trent Steele.
Homer: Homer Si ... uh, Max Power.
Trent: Oh, hey! Great name!
Homer: Yeah, isn't it? I got it off a hair dryer.
Trent: [laughs] I like a man who can poke fun at himself. [looks at his watch] Ooh, hey, my one o'clock cancelled. Eh, you had any lunch?
Homer: Yeah, but I usually have three or four.
Trent: So where to eat? You like Thai?
Homer: Tie good. You like shirt?
Homer: It's true, I'm a Rageaholic.....I just can't live without Rageahol!
Barney: Hello, my name is Barney Gumble, and I'm an alcoholic.
Lisa: Mr Gumble, this is a girl scouts meeting.
Barney: Is it, or is it you girls can't admit that you have a problem
Lenny: Ah, my eye! My doctor said I wasn't supposed to get pudding in it.
Homer: Okay Marge, its your child against my child. The winner will be showered with praise. The loser will be taunted and booed until my throat is sore
Homer: Oh Lisa, there's no record of a hurricane ever hitting Springfield.
Lisa: Yes, but the records only go back to 1978 when the hall of records was mysteriously blown away.
Chief Wiggum: Fat Tony is a cancer on this fair city! He is the cancer and I am the ... uh ... what cures cancer?
Bart: There's no such thing as a soul. It's just something they made up to scare kids, like the boogeyman or Michael Jackson.
Homer: Wait, I'm no missionary! I don't even believe in Jebus! Let me out.
Pilot: Sorry, no can do.
Homer: Oh save me Jebus!
Ralph: When i grow up, I want to be a principal or a caterpillar
Homer: When I held that gun in my hand, I felt a surge of power ... like God must feel when he's holding a gun.
Homer: That guy impressed me and I am not easily impressed. Wow. A *blue car*.
Homer: No offense Apu, but when they're handing out religions you must be out taking a whizz.
Apu: Mr. Simpson, pay for your purchases and get out...and come again
Duffman: Hey Duff lovers! Does anyone in this bar loooove Duff?
Carl: Hey, it's Duffman!
Lenny: Newsweek said you died of liver failure.
Duffman: Duffman can never die, only the actors who play him. Ooh yeah!
Moe: They think they're so high and mighty, just because they never got caught driving without pants.
Homer: Well crying isn't going to help. Now, you can sit there feeling sorry for yourself or you can eat can after can of dog food until your tears smell enough like dog food until your dog comes back, or you can go out there and find your dog.
Bart: You're right.
[Gets up and leaves]
Homer: Rats. I almost had him eating dog food.
Chief Wiggum: Sideshow Bob has no decency. He called me Chief Piggum. (laughs) Oh wait, I get it, he's all right.
Kent Brockman: We win again. But the real winners here are Marge's Hors D'Oeuvres.
Homer: How do you come up with such witty remarks?
[focuses in on ear plug/mic]
Guy in the van: I guess you could say its my racket.
Kent Brockman: I guess you could say I'm Iraqi.
Homer: Get off my property.
Homer: Well, what do you think, Marge? All I need is a ***le. I was thinking along the lines of... No TV and no beer make Homer something something.
Marge: Go crazy?
Homer: Don't mind if I do!
Barney: Hey, Homer, I'm worried about the beer supply. After this case, and the other case, there's only one case left
Homer: Operator! Give me the number for 911!
Kent Brockman: Scientists say they're also less attractive physically and while we speak in a well-educated manner, they tend to use low-brow expressions like 'oh yeah?' and 'com'ere a minute.'
Homer: Oh yeah? They think they're better than us, huh? Bart! Com'ere a minute.
Bart: You com'ere a minute."
Homer: Oh yeah?
Homer: Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love
Homer: Moe, I need your advice.
Moe: Yeah?
Homer: See, I got this friend named... Joey Jo Jo... Junior... Shabadoo.
Moe: That's the worst name I ever heard.
(Guy runs out of the bar sobbing)
Barney: Hey! Joey Jo Jo!
Homer: I've learned that life is one crushing defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead.
Shellbyville man: Ha, you're stupider than you look!
Homer: Stupider like a Fox!
Homer: Okay, I'm never going to win Father Of The Year. In fact, I'm probably the last guy in the world to have kids... wait, let me rephrase that. I love my kids. I'd do anything for Bart and Lisa.
Judge: And Margaret?
Homer: Who? Lady, you must have the wrong file.
Marge: She's talking about Maggie.
Homer: Oh, Maggie. I've got nothing against Maggie
Homer: I'm not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell?
Homer: When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy, I thought it would be fun and zany, like that movie Spaceballs. But instead it was dark and disturbing. Like that other movie -- Police Academy.