The TRF hilarious Jokes thread

[Fa'atau82]

My own jokes btw..


What do you call a mosquito who tells fantastically funny jokes?
F*cking malarious.

What do you call a mosquito who tells fantastically funny jokes leaving you laying crying on the floor?
REALLY F*cking malarious.

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Four young US science students get heavily drunk and decide to drink a home-made chemical elixir that is engineered to give them the power of one of the four elements: water, fire, earth and wind.

Surprisingly, the elixir went wrong, and here's what happened.

The guy who got 'water' can only pee 75 gallons at a time and has a full-time job at the fire dept, fills dry rivers and irrigates crops in Africa. Nickname is 'Splash Gordon'.

The guy who got 'fire' blew up a petrol station when he tried to fill his car, become a buddist monk to control his powers and now works for WHO to help sterilise unclean water with heat treatment in Africa. Nickname is 'Friar Chuck'.

The guy who got 'earth' accidentally destroyed his house with an earthquake when he dug the garden over and is now employed by the UN and aid agencies to remove large amounts rubble and debris caused by natural disasters to rescue victims. Nickname is 'Cooper the Scooper.'

And finally, the guy who got 'wind' ended up with a severe lifelong oral and anal flatulence and used his skill briefly to fill hot air balloons. But, he got a lucky break now he is a high rank of US Government. Nickname is 'George Bush.'

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What's the difference between an Amy Winehouse blood test and a sample of Coca-Cola?
You'll definitely find blood in a sample of Coca-Cola.

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What's the difference between a Big Mac and the 30 day old half-eaten flesh of a cow?

Hold the mayo, thanks.

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A soccer player from Iraq signs for Liverpool FC for £25m. He scores 45 goals in a season and wins all the major trophies for the club. He calls his mum on FA Cup final day to tell her about his amazing hatrick and lifting the Cup. His mother is deeply distraught though.

She tells him that his sister has been raped, his father has been repeated shot by locals and his brother has had his car stolen and burned and was in hospital havinghis arm amputated. The player is very upset and says to his mum, 'it's ok.. it's not your fault or Allah's'.. so the mum replies in distress.. 'i know that.. it was your f*cking idea that we all move to Liverpool.'

 

[kaftka]

What are the only two things you can not give a Maori man?


A black eye and a fat lip.

 

[Dmx#1]

Theres a Tongan, Samoan and Maori in a car who's driving?

The police officer

 

[Fa'atau82]

What do you call 15 guys sitting around the T.V watching the Rugby World Cup final?

The All Blacks

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The seven dwarves and Graham Henry are down a mine when there is a cave-in. Snow White rushes to the entrance to the mine and yells down the shaft so see if anyone survived and calls the rescue crew.

Snow White hears a faint delirious sounding voice say 'Although i may die soon, i know that the All Blacks win the World Cup.'

The rescue crew manage to find the dwarves and tell Snow White they found everyone dead. Snow White is confused and asks the rescue crew if they knew who the person she spoke to last was.. so the crewman says, 'Well it must have been Graham. Even Dopey's is not that stupid'.

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What’s the difference between the All Blacks and a tea-bag?
The tea-bag stays in the cup longer.

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A Samoan man enters a cafe in Suva.

After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the samoan guy yells to the bartender..

"Hey, you wanna hear a fijian joke?"

The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet.

In a stern booming voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something: The bartender is fijian, the bouncer is fijian and I’m a 6'6 fijian second rower and my team just lost today.

What’s more, that guy sitting next to me is fijian and is a reknowned heavyweight boxer. Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"

The samoan guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

 

[Sir Speedy]

What's the difference between England and a teabag?

A teabag stays in a Cup longer. (Soccor World-Cup reference).

 

[deadlydemon]

10 things in golf that sound dirty
1. Look at the size of his putter.

2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.

3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.

4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.

5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.

6. Lift your head and spread your legs.

7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.

8. Just turn your back and drop it.

9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.

10. Damn, I missed the hole again.


A Fisherman's Tale
Two fellas are fishing in a boat under a bridge.

One looks up and sees a funeral procession starting across the bridge.

He stands up, takes off his cap, and bows his head.

The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing.

The other guy says, "That was touching. I didn't know you had it in you."

The first guy responds, "Well, I guess it was the thing to do - after all, I was married to her for 40 years."