B
Bullitt
Guest
Four aspiring young rugby players, a Welshman, a South African, a New Zealander and an Australian were given the afternoon off from training by their club in England and decided to play a round of golf at the local course.
When they got to the course they were disappointed to discover they were behind a party of absolutely awful, uncoordinated and snail-paced golfers. The members of this party were taking eons to tee off, missing the ball, losing balls, losing their clubs, tripping over etc etc.
The disgruntled rugby players quickly identified the party as a pack of drunks. They immediately set off to launch an extremely irate complaint about having to wait for yobbos on a supposedly reputable, upstanding golf course with the curator.
The curator politely informed the rugby players that the party they had presumed to be drunks, were in fact a group firefighters who had lost their eyesight in a tragic accident whilst attempting to save the course clubhouse from a fire some years before. As a sign of the golf club's gratitude, the board had declared that the poor firefighters should be granted life membership and the right to play a round on the course whenever they wanted.
Well the South African felt terrible about his inaccurate assumption and immediately tried to make amends. " Those pooor brav gantlemen. My farther bark home in Sarth Effrica owns a Safari resort. Ah will organase a free tour of the paark and accomadation for them."
"Oes, yn dda trist (Yes, very sad)" said the Welshman in sympathy. "I will speak to the pastor of our chapel in the valleys and get them to sing a hymm for them, the brave unfortunate soles".
"Yeah Bro", agreed the New Zealander. "And my incle wirks on the coaching staff for the All Blicks. I'll sort eiwt some free tickets for the Autumn Internationals for them.
The Australian frowned and scratched his head for a while why he thought, before asking abruptly "Why can't they f***king well play at night?"
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A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. He stopped to investigate. He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, "Yes, officer?" "What are you doing?" the policeman asked. "What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading a magazine."
Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?" The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "What does it look like? She's knitting." "And how old are you?" the officer then asked the young man. "I'm nineteen," he replied. "And how old is she?" asked the officer. The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be sixteen."
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Rugby ref turns up at the Pearly Gates, where he told that in order to enter heaven he must have performed at least on incredibly selfless, or brave act during his years on earth.
He thinks for a moment, then says " Well, I did once give a penalty under the posts against SA in Jo'burg, during extra time, thereby allowing the ABs to score, and win the match, and the Tri-Nations by just 1 point".
St Paul looks through a very large ledger he has, and announces that there is no record of this event, before asking "exactly when did you do this?"
"About 3 minutes ago" replied the ref.
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Coalman delivers coal to flat on 20th floor.The owner said "it's not mine mate",just then a voice in the backround said"ten bags of coal please.The owner apologised and said "I'll shoot that bloody parrot".Few weeks later, the man is off on holidays.He grabs the parrot and nails both wings outstretched to the wall."No phone calls when I'm away" he said.
Aweek or so later the parrot noticed J.C.nailed to the cross on the opposite wall."How long you been there mate,and what's your name?".
The man replied,"my name is Jesus Christ,and I've been here over 2000 years"
"JESUS" said the parrott,"How much coal did you order".
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An Irishman won the Tour de France but disappeared for three weeks afterwards.
They couldn't give him his trophy because he was doing a lap of honour!
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The All Blacks were playing England, and after the half-time whistle blew they found themselves ahead 50-0, Jonah Lomu getting eight tries. The rest of the team decided to head for the pub instead of playing the second half, leaving Jonah to go out on his own.
"No worries," Jonah told them, "I'll join you later and tell you what happened." After the game Jonah headed for the pub where he told his teammates the final score: 95-3.
"What!!!!" said a furious Josh Kronfeld, "How did you let them get three points??!" Jonah replied apologetically, "I was sent off with 20 minutes to go."
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A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm.
"I'd like to buy a horth" he says to the owner of the farm.
"What sort of horse?" said the owner.
"A female horth" the dwarf replies.
So the owner shows him a mare.
"Nithe horth," says the dwarf, "can I thee her eyeth?"
So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horse's eyes.
"Nithe eyeth," says the dwarf, "Can I thee her teeth?"
Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horse's teeth.
"Nithe teeth.... can I see her eerth?" the dwarf says. By now the owner is getting a little fed up but again, picks up the dwarf to show him the horse's ears.
"Nithe eerth," he says. "Now...can I thee her twot?"
With this the owner picks the dwarf up by the scruff of his neck and shoves his head deep inside the horse's lady bits. He holds him there for a couple of seconds before pulling him out and putting him down. The dwarf shakes his head and says: "Perhapth I thould weefwathe that... Can I thee her wun awound?"
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:bana:
When they got to the course they were disappointed to discover they were behind a party of absolutely awful, uncoordinated and snail-paced golfers. The members of this party were taking eons to tee off, missing the ball, losing balls, losing their clubs, tripping over etc etc.
The disgruntled rugby players quickly identified the party as a pack of drunks. They immediately set off to launch an extremely irate complaint about having to wait for yobbos on a supposedly reputable, upstanding golf course with the curator.
The curator politely informed the rugby players that the party they had presumed to be drunks, were in fact a group firefighters who had lost their eyesight in a tragic accident whilst attempting to save the course clubhouse from a fire some years before. As a sign of the golf club's gratitude, the board had declared that the poor firefighters should be granted life membership and the right to play a round on the course whenever they wanted.
Well the South African felt terrible about his inaccurate assumption and immediately tried to make amends. " Those pooor brav gantlemen. My farther bark home in Sarth Effrica owns a Safari resort. Ah will organase a free tour of the paark and accomadation for them."
"Oes, yn dda trist (Yes, very sad)" said the Welshman in sympathy. "I will speak to the pastor of our chapel in the valleys and get them to sing a hymm for them, the brave unfortunate soles".
"Yeah Bro", agreed the New Zealander. "And my incle wirks on the coaching staff for the All Blicks. I'll sort eiwt some free tickets for the Autumn Internationals for them.
The Australian frowned and scratched his head for a while why he thought, before asking abruptly "Why can't they f***king well play at night?"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. He stopped to investigate. He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, "Yes, officer?" "What are you doing?" the policeman asked. "What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading a magazine."
Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?" The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "What does it look like? She's knitting." "And how old are you?" the officer then asked the young man. "I'm nineteen," he replied. "And how old is she?" asked the officer. The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be sixteen."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rugby ref turns up at the Pearly Gates, where he told that in order to enter heaven he must have performed at least on incredibly selfless, or brave act during his years on earth.
He thinks for a moment, then says " Well, I did once give a penalty under the posts against SA in Jo'burg, during extra time, thereby allowing the ABs to score, and win the match, and the Tri-Nations by just 1 point".
St Paul looks through a very large ledger he has, and announces that there is no record of this event, before asking "exactly when did you do this?"
"About 3 minutes ago" replied the ref.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Coalman delivers coal to flat on 20th floor.The owner said "it's not mine mate",just then a voice in the backround said"ten bags of coal please.The owner apologised and said "I'll shoot that bloody parrot".Few weeks later, the man is off on holidays.He grabs the parrot and nails both wings outstretched to the wall."No phone calls when I'm away" he said.
Aweek or so later the parrot noticed J.C.nailed to the cross on the opposite wall."How long you been there mate,and what's your name?".
The man replied,"my name is Jesus Christ,and I've been here over 2000 years"
"JESUS" said the parrott,"How much coal did you order".
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An Irishman won the Tour de France but disappeared for three weeks afterwards.
They couldn't give him his trophy because he was doing a lap of honour!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The All Blacks were playing England, and after the half-time whistle blew they found themselves ahead 50-0, Jonah Lomu getting eight tries. The rest of the team decided to head for the pub instead of playing the second half, leaving Jonah to go out on his own.
"No worries," Jonah told them, "I'll join you later and tell you what happened." After the game Jonah headed for the pub where he told his teammates the final score: 95-3.
"What!!!!" said a furious Josh Kronfeld, "How did you let them get three points??!" Jonah replied apologetically, "I was sent off with 20 minutes to go."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm.
"I'd like to buy a horth" he says to the owner of the farm.
"What sort of horse?" said the owner.
"A female horth" the dwarf replies.
So the owner shows him a mare.
"Nithe horth," says the dwarf, "can I thee her eyeth?"
So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horse's eyes.
"Nithe eyeth," says the dwarf, "Can I thee her teeth?"
Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horse's teeth.
"Nithe teeth.... can I see her eerth?" the dwarf says. By now the owner is getting a little fed up but again, picks up the dwarf to show him the horse's ears.
"Nithe eerth," he says. "Now...can I thee her twot?"
With this the owner picks the dwarf up by the scruff of his neck and shoves his head deep inside the horse's lady bits. He holds him there for a couple of seconds before pulling him out and putting him down. The dwarf shakes his head and says: "Perhapth I thould weefwathe that... Can I thee her wun awound?"
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:bana:
