His/her perfect day

[nam97]

Don't know how many people have seen this already, but it's classic and ought to be posted.

The Perfect Day for Her:

8:15 Wakeup to hugs and kisses
8:30 Weigh in 5lbs lighter than yesterday
8:45 Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed orange juice and croissants
9:15 Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil
10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer
10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo and comb out
12:00 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
12:45 Notice ex-boyfriends wife, she has gained 30lbs
1:00 Shopping with friends, unlimited credit
3:00 Nap
4:00 3 dozens roses delivered by florist, card is from secret admirer
4:15 Light workout at club, followed by gentle massage
5:30 Pick out outfit for dinner, prim before the mirror
7:30 Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing
10:00 Hot shower (alone)
10:30 Make love
11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling
11:15 Fall asleep in his big strong arms

The Perfect Day for Him:

6:00 Alarm
6:15 Blowjob
6:30 Massive dump while reading sports section of USA Today
7:00 Breakfast, Filet mignon and eggs, toast and coffee
7:30 Limo arrives
7:45 Stoli Bloody Mary enroute to airport
8:15 DFW - Private G4 to Augusta, Georgia (Coffee, SI and WSJ)
9:30 Limo to Augusta National Golf Club
9:45 Front nine at Augusta (2 under)
11:45 Lunch, 2 dozen oysters on the half shell, 3 Heinekens
12:15 Blowjob
12:30 Back nine Augusta (4 under)
2:15 Limo back to airport (Bombay martini)
2:30 Private G4, Augusta to Nassau, Bahamas (nap)
3:15 Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female (topless) crew
4:30 Land World Record light tackle Marlin (1249 lbs)
5:00 G4 back to DFW, massage & hand job enroute by naked Kathy Ireland
6:45 ****, shower and shave
7:00 Watch CNN newsflash: Clinton resigns, Hillary and Al Gore farm animal video released and authenticated. (Hillary has a secret mole, Al looks real cold)
7:30 Dinner, Lobster appetizers, Dom Perigon (1963), 20 oz. New York Steak
9:00 Remy Martin and Cuban Partagas cigar
9:30 Sex with three women
11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi
11:45 Bed (alone)
11:50 12 second, 4 note fart, dog leaves the room
11:55 Sleep

 

[nam97]

This one's rather good too;

How to shower like a woman
1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to bathroom.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how you're getting fat.
4. Get in the shower. Look for facecloth, armcloth, leg cloth, long leaf, wide loofah and pumice stone.
5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
6. Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
7. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.
8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red raw.
9. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake bodywash.
10. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least 15 minutes as you must make sure that it has all come off).
11. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.
12. Scream loudly when your boyfriend/husband flushes the toilet and you lose the water pressure.
13. Turn off shower.
14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mould spots with Tilex.
15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.
16. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit. Attack with nails/tweezers if found.
17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
18. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and then rush to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.

How To Shower Like A Man
1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your girlfriend/wife along the way, flash her making the "woo" sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs (no). Admire the size of your dick in the mirror, scratch your balls and smell your fingers for one last whiff.
4. Get in the shower.
5. Don't bother to look for a washcloth (you don't use one).
6. Wash your face
7. Wash your armpits
8. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.
9. Wash your privates and surrounding area.
10. Wash your ass, leaving hair on the soap bar.
11. Shampoo your hair. (do not use conditioner)
12. Make a shampoo Mohawk.
13. Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.
14. Pee (in the shower)
15. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time.
16. Partial dry off.
17. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire dick size.
18. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.
19. Leave bathroom and fan light on.
20. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your girlfriend/wife, pull off the towel, grabyour dick, go "Yeah baby" and thrust your pelvis at her.
21. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.

 

[Laetca]

So the stereotypical woman is frigid, and superficial, and the average male is sex-obsessed and gross?

I find that hard to believe
They make an amusing read though.

 

[DC]

probably could have combined the blow job and the dump at the same time

thats what legends are made of

 

[Steve-o]

probably could have combined the blow job and the dump at the same time

thats what legends are made of
[/b]

Could probably combine a blowjob with all those activities. Except with ******* in the shower, due to logistics... Or is THAT what legends are made of

 

[Brodizzle]

So the stereotypical woman is frigid, and superficial, and the average male is sex-obsessed and gross?

I find that hard to believe
They make an amusing read though.
[/b]

I'll take that to mean you're sex-obsessed and gross

 

[Laetca]

No, just means that I don't think that an average person has anything but average qualities
And only being focused on sex is a bit extreme for an average person.
the same goes for never wanting any sex.

 

[DC]

<div class='quotemain'>
probably could have combined the blow job and the dump at the same time

thats what legends are made of
[/b]

Could probably combine a blowjob with all those activities. Except with ******* in the shower, due to logistics... Or is THAT what legends are made of [/b][/quote]

That is what gods are made of :mellow: