C
Candyman
Guest
Revocation of the Independence of USA (John Cleese)
Recently, John Cleese read this out to an audience in America:
To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your
failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern
yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence,effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over
all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does
not fancy.
Your new Prime Minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85%
of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your
borders) will appoint a Minister for America without the need for further
elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you
noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the
following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then
look up "aluminium." Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at
just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be
reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour'; skipping the letter
'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to
spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters.
You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not
'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise." You will
learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are
welcome to re-spell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct
pronunciation.
Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up
vocabulary." Using the same thirty seven words interspersed with filler
noises such as "uhh", "like", and "you know" is an unacceptable and
inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed."
There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old
enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows.
Then you learn to develop your vocabulary, then you won't have to use bad
language as often.
2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on
your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account
of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It
really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney,
upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to
learn how to understand regional accents --- Scottish dramas such
as>"Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.
While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such
place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon." If you
persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires"
e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the
good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English
characters.
British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be
re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope
with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen",
but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get
confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football." There is only one kind of
football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good
game.The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your
borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You
will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper
football.
Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a
Difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play
rugby which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping
for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like
nancies).We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by
2005.
You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event
called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America.
Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders,
your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will
be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders," which is baseball
without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.
7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be
allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable
peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle
potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry
a vegetable peeler in public.
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new
national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day."
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap, and it is for your
own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we
mean.
All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start
driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go
metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of
humour.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call 'French
fries'are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian Though
97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are
not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling
potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut and
fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which
should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more
aggressive with customers.
11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all
tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be
doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling "beer" is not actually
beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will
be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted
provenance will be referred to as "Lager." The substances formerly known as
"American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's
Urine," with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company
whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine." This
will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in the
Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or "gasoline," as you
will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the
former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and
the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol price (roughly $6/US
gallon -- get used to it).
14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or
therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that
you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by
adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing
someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not grown up enough to
handle a gun.
15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to
ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
Thank you for your co-operation.
Recently, John Cleese read this out to an audience in America:
To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your
failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern
yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence,effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over
all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does
not fancy.
Your new Prime Minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85%
of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your
borders) will appoint a Minister for America without the need for further
elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you
noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the
following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then
look up "aluminium." Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at
just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be
reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour'; skipping the letter
'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to
spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters.
You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not
'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise." You will
learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are
welcome to re-spell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct
pronunciation.
Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up
vocabulary." Using the same thirty seven words interspersed with filler
noises such as "uhh", "like", and "you know" is an unacceptable and
inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed."
There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old
enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows.
Then you learn to develop your vocabulary, then you won't have to use bad
language as often.
2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on
your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account
of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It
really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney,
upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to
learn how to understand regional accents --- Scottish dramas such
as>"Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.
While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such
place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon." If you
persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires"
e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the
good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English
characters.
British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be
re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope
with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen",
but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get
confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football." There is only one kind of
football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good
game.The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your
borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You
will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper
football.
Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a
Difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play
rugby which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping
for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like
nancies).We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by
2005.
You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event
called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America.
Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders,
your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will
be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders," which is baseball
without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.
7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be
allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable
peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle
potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry
a vegetable peeler in public.
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new
national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day."
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap, and it is for your
own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we
mean.
All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start
driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go
metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of
humour.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call 'French
fries'are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian Though
97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are
not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling
potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut and
fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which
should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more
aggressive with customers.
11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all
tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be
doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling "beer" is not actually
beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will
be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted
provenance will be referred to as "Lager." The substances formerly known as
"American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's
Urine," with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company
whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine." This
will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in the
Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or "gasoline," as you
will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the
former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and
the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol price (roughly $6/US
gallon -- get used to it).
14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or
therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that
you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by
adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing
someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not grown up enough to
handle a gun.
15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to
ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
Thank you for your co-operation.
