Travel advice for rugby fans visiting Croke Park for the first time
'So, like, what language do they speak over there and ****?'
The official language of North Dublin is English, though it's a creolised form of the language, which many outsiders find impossible to understand. It is worth the effort, though, to learn a few key phrases. 'Storr-ee,' means, 'Hello', 'Alreet, Bud?' means, 'How are you?' 'Ball, means,' 'football', and a simple snap of the fingers, followed by an upturned palm, means, 'It's going to cost you â'¬20 to park your car on this public street. If you don't pay, it'll be a charred mess by the time you've finished your first lusty rendition of The Fields of Athenry.'
'****, the match is today. Should I have got myself, like, immunised, if that's the right word?'
No immunisations are required for Southsiders visiting North Dublin. However, diphtheria, tetanus, polio and gamma globulin vaccinations are strongly recommended. Other vaccinations that should be considered, depending on your intended length of stay, include hepatitis A and B, rabies, encephalitis and typhoid.
Happily, cholera has been virtually eradicated north of the Liffey.
'So is it safe to, like, drink the water then?'
Under no circumstances - even if it's boiled. You'd be safer sucking it out of the Royal Canal than you would drinking anything that came out of a tap north of Westmoreland Street.
'I plan to walk to Croke Park from Dublin city centre. Can you print a list of emergency numbers in the event of my inadvertently making eye contact with a local and him using it as a pretext to beat seven shades of **** out of me.'
Gardai
Ballymun - 01 666-4400
Blanchardstown - 01 666-7000
Cabra - 01 666-7400
Coolock - 01 666-4200
Finglas - 01 666-7500
Mountjoy - 01 666-8600
Raheny - 01 666-43000
Santry - 01 666-4000
Skerries - 01 849-1211
Store Street - 01 666-8000
Hospitals
Beaumont - 01 809-3000
Bon Secour Private - 01 806-5300
Cherry Orchard - 01 620-6000
Connolly - 01 821-3844
The Mater - 01 803-2000
'Ireland have never lost whenever I've worn my classic Cole Haan, double-breasted, baby camel hair topcoat to the match. Naturally, though, I'm worried about being forced to hand it over at knifepoint to some local hoodlum in or around Croke Park. How can I avoid standing out in the crowd?'
You might consider sewing three white stripes down either arm of the coat, giving it that authentic Adidas look that should allow you to pass down Dorset Street unnoticed - and unmolested.
'What are scratch cards?'
Scratch cards are game tickets sold mainly in North Dublin. They were introduced by the government as a surreptitious way of taxing the dole.
'I've never been to North Dublin before, but, like most people, I've seen the horrific images on television. Is there anywhere close to Croke Park where we can eat good sun-dried tomato and olive frittatas or perhaps some nice spinach, roast pepper and tomato roulade?'
Avoca Handweavers have no plans to open a store in Ballybough for now. If you want to eat something that hasn't been dipped in batter and then fried in a foot of fat, you'd be best advised to take a packed lunch with you. Do bear in mind that, while the GAA has lifted its ban on foreign games being played at Croke Park, Protestant food is still prohibited from all GAA grounds under Rule 42 (B) of the association - and roulades, tortlets and terrines of all kinds are liable for confiscation.
'Like, will our mobiles work and ****?'
No. Nor will your iPod.
'Who the fock is this Jayo everyone on the Northside keeps banging on about?'
Jayo is the nickname of Jason Sherlock, a Gaelic footballer and an Eva Peron figure to North Dublin's own descamisados - which is Spanish for skobies.
'Is it true that the sky is, like, lower on the Northside?'
Yes, it is. This is as a result of North Dublin's famous air pollution, which is now on a par with that of Mexico City - unlike South Dublin, which in the early 1990s switched to nonbutiminous fuel sources, as well as a post-industrial economy.
'What the fock is this SSIA that most of the Northside seems to be waiting for? Is it, like, their Judgement Day?'
In a way, yes. The SSIA is a savings scheme introduced by the government in 2001 to stop people who were unaccustomed to having money from blowing it on plasma screen televisions, pool tables and cobble-lock driveways. The government committed one euro for every four saved by account-holders over a five-year period. At the end of five years, most people withdrew their money and spent it on plasma screen televisions, pool tables and cobble-lock driveways.
'Unlike most Southsiders, I have no intention of being shuttle-bussed to Croke Park from Doheny's or any of the other 'battle cruisers' on the so-called Golden Mile. I intend embracing the whole Northside Experience, starting with two or three pint bottles of cider in one or any of the pubs close to the ground, then rounding off the weekend by going to an Aslan gig and waking up on Monday morning with a hangover. Where can I buy a flak jacket?'
North Dublin has more army surplus stores per head of population than North Korea. Flak jackets - ballistic nylon waistcoats with protective Manganese plates sewn into them - are widely available in a number of different styles. A sort of black, red, white and peach-coloured check - known as mock Burberry - is currently de rigueur.
'Have the Department of Foreign Affairs issued any, like, travel advice for those of us still in two minds about whether to, like, go or not?'
Yes - but do remember that common sense should always be your first line of defence. Before you travel, keep abreast of the local news coverage. Remember, North Dublin is an area particularly prone to civil unrest, natural disaster and tiger kidnappings. Remember, too, that communications on that side of the city are notoriously poor. If you plan to remain in the area after the match to enjoy some of the local 'hospitality', it would be sensible to register with the nearest South Dublin consulate. It only takes a couple of minutes and could be invaluable in a case of emergency. It's also advised that you leave a detailed itinerary and a photocopy of the ID page from your passport with a friend or relative. Remember, too, there is nothing to buy in North Dublin, so leave your credit cards and large sums of cash behind, along with your jewellery.
And, most importantly, wrap up warm.
'As an occasional listener to the Adrian Kennedy Show, I can't help but notice the way North Dubliners use the phrase, 'Know what I mean?' incessantly in conversation. Surely it would save these people a lot of time if they just spoke articulately in the first place?'
Yes, it would, but, sadly, very few Northsiders enjoy the benefit of an elite, fee-paying secondary school education. The term 'Know what I mean?' serves no practical purpose, except as a linguistic crutch, and is a Northside equivalent of, 'Oh! My God!'
'Should I bring my own medications with me?'
Drugs are widely available throughout North Dublin - but not the kind you'll likely need. Bring any necessary medications with you and keep them in the original, labelled containers in your hand luggage. Also, bring any toiletries and personal hygiene products that you will need. These items can be difficult to obtain on the Northside.
'Is there any pub within walking distance of Croke Park that sells good VSOP?'
That's a difficult one - and it's easy to see how such a question might be misconstrued as sarcastic.
If you must ask for it, make sure you do it discreetly. Watch the barman's face very carefully and be ready to pass it off as a joke.
'I'm still kacking it - and we're talking totally. I'm too young to die, aren't I?'
Well, it's always someone's turn - but the good news is that your chances of being killed in a random drive-by shooting are now as low as 12-1. There are, of course, ways of reducing the risk of becoming a victim of crime - namely exercising the following precautions. Leave anything of value - children, gold fillings - at home. Never display large sums of money. Conceal your passport, cash and other valuables on your person and be mindful that if you intend wearing a bum-bag, you will almost certainly be taken for a homosexual and beaten in the street. Do not talk loudly. Don't use public transport, flea markets, ATMs, fast food restaurants or toilets. Never leave your drink unattended, even for a moment. If you plan to take a taxi, bear in mind that the driver's opinions about foreign nationals and whether or not Roy Keane is a traitor to this country will be added to your surcharge. Don't drive at night and never drive alone during the daytime.
Never sleep in your car and under no circumstance pick up hitchhikers.
But do remember to enjoy yourself - or, as they say in North Dublin, enjoy yisser selves!
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