Dropping my Girlfriend

[Gay-Guy]

Hey everyone just need some advice.

I have been going out with my girlfriend for almost 3 years now. We are quite good together.

There is however one problem.

She is into dope....I am dead against it.

This topic has always been a huge issue in our relationship. I took marijuana in my teens but gave it up as it made me paranoid. I refuse to engage in it again for this reason.

My GF loves it as much as I hate it.

We do not live together....her kids who are teenagers get into it....they often politely smoke in their room when I turn up.

She also will not touch it when I am around and will wait till I go. However very slowly the line is moving....I have turned up a few times and she is stoned...amd more recently they are leaving their dope and bukkies lying around in fulll view. Now they don't move anything when I turn up. I suspect in time they will light up when I am in the lounge.

I come from and still live in a poor area where alcohol and drugs is quite common. I don't drink anymore and have pretty much turned into a goody goody.

My problem here is this.

I will be 40 this year and am at this point in my life wanting to go down the road of being a community leader. I live in NZ and in South Auckland which is full of brownies (Islanders/Maoris). Most of my people have lost a lot of their pride and live week to week in addictive behaviour. They have little ambition when it comes to furthering themselves and have little belief in themselves. A lot of them can't make the break out of this mentality because they drink too much or get stoned a lot. I want to help people in my area get out of the poverty trap that leads to a drunk and drugged out existence. Basically I want to help Maori and Pasifika people in NZ recapture their pride before they discovered alcohol and drugs.

I seem to therefore feel agrieved going out with someone who has been pro marijuana all her life. She will not give it up for me...she has tried but she felt unhappy. She feels I am controlling her by giving her guilt trips about smoking dope. I feel I am trying to help her as I believe she has never risen to her potential as a result of being a long term dope smoker. This is where we are at loggerheads.

I feel I am being held back in my resolve to move towards eldership in the community as the things I am passionately against are the things she is passionately for.

She says it is good to be in a relationship where beliefs are different because it challenges you to think.....however I see it as a hindrance.

Anyway....I feel I am not growing at all to be the person I would like to be...believe I should be. As you can imagine when you are not doing something you want to do....I am not happy about life.

She is a lovely lady, very accomodating.....and the sex is great...but I have a passion in where I want to go in life...and she has no passion for it at all....in fact...she sees all leaders as controlling people.

Anyway.....I am still with her because it is comfortable....but it is slowly killing me inside. I would suffer quite a bit if I dropped her....sex would be the first thing I would miss....then companionship....etc....but it seems that I would not reach my goals in life if I stayed with her.

Anyway...your thoughts?

 

[TRF_melon]

It sounds like you already have the answer Brother, by the way you compare your partner's life style to all the others around you who have no aspirations or whose aspirations have been squandered as a result of their lifestyle.

Have you put it to her? It's either the dope or you.

Wouldn't it be great if your first victory was her, then you could go about your dreams with her in tow. Of course that's an idealistic, romantic existence but its worth going for. If it doesn't work, then as I said, it looks like you already have the answer. It might hurt a lot in the short term, but think of the long term and what you may achieve, as well as finding a new woman!!

 

[Charles]

Pretty heavy stuff there...Plus you're probably older than everybody here so it's difficult to give you any advice about what to do...

Anyway, seems to me there's 2 different things that concern you here

1 Your GF Weed consumption

2 You wanting to take a leaders's role in your community

On the weed thing, do you think her habit had hindered her progression in terms of work? Is she really unreasonable about it, like smoking first thing in the morning and stuff like this? If she's happy with where she is jobwise and doing well for herself then you're gonna have to accept as one of her flaws. Although it was a bad experience for you, smoking is not the end of the world. If she's reasonable about it then there's not so much you can do short of being a dictator a blackmail her into quitting for your satisfaction.

About the community thing this is something that is so far from the social setting I live in I can't really give you any advice.

 

[Saints1]

I hope it goes well.

 

[Haysie]

GG, the most important thing in life is to be happy. As corny as it sounds, my family has disintegrated around me before and the pursuit of happiness is the most important thing that will keep a fire burning inside you to better yourself and others, which you so obviously thrive on doing. I think adopting a community leader's role is something you would be brilliant at, and you've shown how much you value that sort of thing with the U/13s you coached. The addictive drug issue is a very complicated one and differs from person to person, as I'm sure you are aware.
In such a specific scenario as this, I would suggest you directly pursue what YOU want to do in life while removing any negative thoughts, attitudes or energy that are around you.
Chase the dream buddy.

Hope I didn't confuse you too much! Hope it turns out for the best.

 

[gingergenius]

It's going to have to be a choice for both of you. If you're in a close relationship with someone where you see each other every day, then you are going to have to make sacrificess or accept that you won't become any closer.

Seeing as the person who is getting annoyed here is you, it will have to be your choice initially what to do. You can eirher choose to accept her as she is and put up with her lifestyle, or you can decide it's unacceptable,

If you decide that it's unacceptable, it's then up to her to decde whether weed or you is more important.

I hope that, if this happens, you both make the right choice for yourselves.

I would also say, however, that your issue should be purely about your relationship with her and how her lfestyle affects you. Because if your objection is merely a moral objection to substance abuse in general, then it's not your duty to tell her how to live her life, especially since she sounds like she's old enough to make decisions for herself.

Good luck.

 

[TRF_Cymro]

Be up you pal. As people above have said is the drug a problem? How will this effect you as a community leader? Have you spoken to her about it? If she cannot accommodate you then it may need to way up the options.

In life you make decisions as you know, sometimes for the better or sometimes for the worse. Only you can decide on which option is the best for you. Personally if you love her and you can love her while taking the drugs then you should stay but if you can't then you will have to make the tough choice to leave.

Whatever decision you make all the best with it and hopefully you will stick around the forums for a bit!

 

[TRF C A Iversen]

GG, the most important thing in life is to be happy. As corny as it sounds, my family has disintegrated around me before and the pursuit of happiness is the most important thing that will keep a fire burning inside you to better yourself and others, which you so obviously thrive on doing. I think adopting a community leader's role is something you would be brilliant at, and you've shown how much you value that sort of thing with the U/13s you coached. The addictive drug issue is a very complicated one and differs from person to person, as I'm sure you are aware.
In such a specific scenario as this, I would suggest you directly pursue what YOU want to do in life while removing any negative thoughts, attitudes or energy that are around you.
Chase the dream buddy.

Hope I didn't confuse you too much! Hope it turns out for the best.

Well GG, my old mate, this one looks a fairly similar opinion to my own. I have a lot of family myself, and all of my brothers did marijuana to medium to larger extents. All 3 of them have been to prison to varying degrees. My sisters weren't so bad, but anyhow most of them have ended up a bit in the old poverty trap. I wish it wasn't the case, but that's their lives and they'll always have my love and respect in regards to other aspects in their lives. So, I'm really just saying that I'm not speaking from the position of someone who doesn't understand both sides of the tracks.

All I tell you mate is be true to the person you want to be. Your smart enough to know that anyhow. I can tell you right now, as a younger guy I had a similar issue with a girlfriend. It was only her smoking, but you'll see how it relates as I explain. We got together and she hid the smoking from me. I never even really knew she did for a couple of months. When I found out I asked her if she'd thought of quitting as I really just didn't see myself getting into a long term relationship with a smoker. I told her there was no pressure and that I realised that we hadn't been going out for long, so it shouldn't be a huge issue if she wanted to move on and just be friends.

What did she do? She told me she'd quit. From what I understood later, she'd quit and then a few months later fallen off the wagon and gone back to it. She just never told me. I was going out with her for another year after that and she was doing it behind my back the whole time. When I found out, I was pretty annoyed but had gotten attached to her after that amount of time, so I said to her that I'd be okay with it if she never did it around me, or just went outside, or just had a couple of drinks of water before trying to kiss me or anything like that (after all as I said to her, she'd done a great job of hiding it).

So, then what did she do? She told me she'd quit anyway, and I was happy, but kept saying to her, "are you sure? I don't want you to lie to me again". I was far more concerned that she was lying to me and sharing her real identity of who she was with other people and yet coming back telling me that it was so great that we had such a good relationship, built on trust. So, she still said "No, I'll quit".

Anyhow, another year and a bit further in our relationship, she had a falling out with one of her friends. Her friend was very truthful and a decent person all round. She came to have a talk to me and told me that my girlfriend (fiancée by then) was lying to me about smoking and had actually been drunkenly laughing with several of their mates about how dumb I was not to know. She also had been covering all sorts of other lies. Disappearing money from my room, not being able to go on our planned trips and things because of fines and other things that she just wouldn't tell me about. Also there were many, many other things.

She was just a chronic liar. I mean chronic. It turned out that I didn't really know her at all. After this, all sorts of arguments began, with me leaving her and saying that I thought it'd be for the best. She kept begging to get back with me and I took her back about 6 times over the next year.

Then something happened. I lost my job, due to restructuring and I discovered that my power meter hadn't been reading right (as my flatmates never let in meter readers when they called) for a long time and I owed nearly $1500. At the time I was pretty down about it, so I was a bit mopey. Meanwhile a guy started paying her attention and we had a row about her lying. So, she left me.

Did she come back? No. Did I get a second chance? No. Was I bitter about it for about a year after? Yes.

What I soon discovered though, after a month of feeling sorry for myself I started to get my confidence back. I found I was getting a lot of reactions from people at parties as being a bloody lunatic, kind of like Frank The Tank from Old School and I didn't care any more about things that'd got me down in the past. I was me again. It took a couple of months more and I was getting girls left right and centre up town and as anyone will tell you, I am not a good looking man. It was just sheer confidence.

I realised that I'd wasted a good few years of my life, with someone who wasn't suited for me at all. That four and a half years, should've been four and a half days.

Then after tacking a few more girls on the list I met Amy and eventually got married to the best mate I could've hoped for. I thank every lucky star there ever was that I didn't get back with my old relationship. I now have a girl who's so bloody compatible that she's a dedicated Rugby '06 and '08 player (can't play JLR to save herself yet though) and she can beat some of my mates at it, lol.

Anyhow, this whole saga about me, was really an illustration of how much of our finite and really quite short lives we can spend with people who do not share our interests, habits, ideals etc. It's certainly not me saying that your woman is as bad as my ex, just that well, we can waste time when we don't know how much we have. You are probably drifting past several days where you'd meet a much more compatible woman, and every time that happens you don't get that chance back.

Be an old friend (if possible) and move on with your life. That's why they call it "your life", you make of it what you really want.



P.S. Wasn't too thrilled that her kids have developed a dope habit. That's really setting it up to be a family legacy, sadly.

 

[sambãd5]

Yeah GG, my homeboy, You do know whats right. your a leader amongst us, and to be a comunity figure, you know what you need to do. If its a issue, which it is, and at the depth that it seems to be, you cant fix it. like my other homeboy CAI, Its a hard habbit to drop, if they choose to, and if they dont, they will lie. The woman is the devil.... well, one that wont give up a obviously bad habbit for someone they "love". Ive got the same views on it as you gg, i dont really mind too much [if people im around do it] as long as people dont do it directly infrount of me. go around the corner, or before/after im around etc. But i told my current gf that if she did it, shes gone. and she has stopped. (although she was only casually doing it, like once every couple of months from what i gather) and now shes stopped completely, she sees how stupid it is.

 

[Gay-Guy]

Thanks guys some excellent advice in here.

I really appreciate the effort going into some of the replies....some long posts on here.

CAI......your story hits very close to home....especially about the lying part and covering things up.

I am a bit surprised actually....I expected there to be a lot of pro dope smokers saying I should get over it....marijuana is harmless etc....what is the problem?

I am surprised some of you guys still remember my name lol!

She says that being different i good in a relationship as it challenges both partners to think outside their boxes. Perhaps for some things....but I see the fundamentals as crucial and that they need to be compatible. You would never see Jack the Ripper hook up with Mother ary for example even if they are going to learn a lot about each other. In the end they are going to be distracted from what they love doing....Jack will find it hard trying to kill and bring work on the bodies.....Mary will find it difficult bringing people over to stay.

I also think I am going through a mid life crisis....that piont in my life where I decide what I want to actually do......thing is.....since I was young I always knew what I wanted to do when I got to 40....it just seems difficult to go there with my GF going the other way.

I think I may ask her something different than the usual give dope up ultimatum...she is part Maori so she knows what I believe Maori and Pasifika people should be doing (and it ain't being lazy ass losers).....I wil ask her "Do you believe our people (Maori/Pacifica) should have alcohol, tobaccco and drugs?".....a simple question. This I believe is going to the root of our issue....because if I had my way and was some sort of genie I would eradictae all alcohol/tobacco/drugs from the Pacific. I actually believe brown people would be better off without them.

 

[TRF C A Iversen]

Thanks guys some excellent advice in here.

I really appreciate the effort going into some of the replies....some long posts on here.

CAI......your story hits very close to home....especially about the lying part and covering things up.

I am a bit surprised actually....I expected there to be a lot of pro dope smokers saying I should get over it....marijuana is harmless etc....what is the problem?

I am surprised some of you guys still remember my name lol!

She says that being different i good in a relationship as it challenges both partners to think outside their boxes. Perhaps for some things....but I see the fundamentals as crucial and that they need to be compatible. You would never see Jack the Ripper hook up with Mother ary for example even if they are going to learn a lot about each other. In the end they are going to be distracted from what they love doing....Jack will find it hard trying to kill and bring work on the bodies.....Mary will find it difficult bringing people over to stay.

I also think I am going through a mid life crisis....that piont in my life where I decide what I want to actually do......thing is.....since I was young I always knew what I wanted to do when I got to 40....it just seems difficult to go there with my GF going the other way.

I think I may ask her something different than the usual give dope up ultimatum...she is part Maori so she knows what I believe Maori and Pasifika people should be doing (and it ain't being lazy ass losers).....I wil ask her "Do you believe our people (Maori/Pacifica) should have alcohol, tobaccco and drugs?".....a simple question. This I believe is going to the root of our issue....because if I had my way and was some sort of genie I would eradictae all alcohol/tobacco/drugs from the Pacific. I actually believe brown people would be better off without them.

Hi again GG. Gotta say, that I know how you feel about getting to a point in life where you want to feel your direction forward become more clear and wanting to make something a bit more of yourself whilst you have the time to. It's admirable and brings about a feeling of fulfilment.

With regard to the dope thing, I'm actually pretty unconcerned about that largely. It's a part of her life and maybe you just have to say that it's not part of yours if that's how you feel. Still, it's hard to ever change something major in your life especially when you have a partner you care a lot for. It's a bit like an addiction itself.

It's a tough issue with most cultures in New Zealand, but Maori and Pacific Island people seem to have a huge amount of exposure to it from a young age. It's gotta be a really tough cycle to break. The culture is very similar between the two peoples, obviously there are a lot of good sides to that, but with the negatives such as drugs and other addictions it's all bad news sadly. Part of it is the "be tough, be hard" thing which gets into the younger ones through positive things like sport and fitness, but then becomes negative through the proving how bad ass (tough in other ways) they can be. then it's just add in a little time and stir. By no means is this exclusive to "brown" people of the pacific, but it's just there seems to be a higher degree of conformity and unity between these people, so breaking the mould and being your own man/woman seems like it'd be a harder deal. Especially with such a family-first based culture and if the family does these things.

I'm not judgemental as it can happen to anyone, but I can see how it's going to be challenging for you mate. I'm sure things'll work out for the best though.

 

[Charles]

I wil ask her "Do you believe our people (Maori/Pacifica) should have alcohol, tobaccco and drugs?".....a simple question. This I believe is going to the root of our issue....because if I had my way and was some sort of genie I would eradictae all alcohol/tobacco/drugs from the Pacific. I actually believe brown people would be better off without them.

Good luck with that. Alcohol and weed are not bad. It's just a balance problem. I drink alcohol(usually once a week with friends), I smoke weed (not so much here in Japan though) but I'm sensible enough. I know I shouldn't drink till I roll on the floor or smoke a fattie if I got something important to do. I believe you are being a bit OTT on this issue, however it is understandable seeing the harm it causes in your community. But erasing it completely will not solve anything as human beings need stuff to relieve the pressure sometimes...Nothing wrong with a drink/spliff watching rugby with your mates on Saturday afternoon/evening, if it doesn't prevent you from doing what you have to do. Extreme measures usually don't solve anything...

 

[nickdnz]

Hmm, difficult issue. I went to a school which is heavily associated with drug use (Onslow College for people in Wellington) and most of my mates have done weed at some point. I am one of three of my mates who have chosen to stay away from drugs although I do drink when the occasion beckons. Some of my close friends however have now moved on to heavier drugs such as LSD and E. I am watching them waste their lives now and not forfill their potential and in this respect I can see your problem. I tolerate these friends addictions however my realationship with them is not as strong as it use to be. Your situation must be far worse as while I can right off my friends, the situation is closer to home for you.
My advice to you is pose your question as a racial pride question however if that isn't enough i think it will have to go down to an ultimatium. If she chooses you over weed then that's great however if she can't be happy without it I'd suggest you go seperate ways. The opinion that Weed isn't an issue seems to be common however I tend to believe for it to be acceptable it should not strongly effect every day life and if this is enough of an issue for you to consider leaving her, I'd say it has crossed that boundry.

Anyway buddy, that's my 10c and I hope it helps a little. Good luck with your problem.

 

[Charles]

My advice to you is pose your question as a racial pride question however if that isn't enough i think it will have to go down to an ultimatium.

What do you mean by that? Racial pride is not relevant because nobody choses to be born as a "ethnicity". OTOH you can decide what to do with your life.

This racial pride thing seems to me to be more a hindrance than anything, because it forces you into an imposed identity, behaviour etc.

 

[nickdnz]

Well, Gay Guy feels he should lead an example for his Pacifica/Maori community and therefore the idea of leading an example to a select group of people is in this case a racial pride issue. This is not my idea but GG's - and if he feels that this is relevant then that's what he should do.

I wil ask her "Do you believe our people (Maori/Pacifica) should have alcohol, tobaccco and drugs?".....a simple question. This I believe is going to the root of our issue....because if I had my way and was some sort of genie I would eradictae all alcohol/tobacco/drugs from the Pacific. I actually believe brown people would be better off without them.

 

[Charles]

Well, Gay Guy feels he should lead an example for his Pacifica/Maori community and therefore the idea of leading an example to a select group of people is in this case a racial pride issue. This is not my idea but GG's - and if he feels that this is relevant then that's what he should do.

Ok. Although I don't really understand why being a Maori/Pasifika should make things different...

 

[sambãd5]

I am watching them waste their lives now and not forfill their potential and in this respect I can see your problem.

I know what your talking about. Its funny, i saw a few of my friends at the time, do weed at school, and then throughout the last, **** i feel old, ten years, since i knew what they were doing till now, seen them completely degenerate. it is a gateway drug definatly. although it seems that your misses has controll on it being only weed, it doesnt mean that her kids are going to have the same control. it seems like a make or break from what your saying, which is a shame after what, 2-3 years? but really its like bad sex. its ok for the first 5 years, but your going to look elsewhere arnt you? the grass being greener etc.

 

[Haysie]

Ok. Although I don't really understand why being a Maori/Pasifika should make things different...

Mate it's a Kiwi thing, don't think that Nick is being racist in any way shape or form. It's simply an internal thing.

 

[TRF C A Iversen]

Mate it's a Kiwi thing, don't think that Nick is being racist in any way shape or form. It's simply an internal thing.

Well said for an aussie, lol. You are an aussie aren't you?

 

[gingergenius]

I'm amazed at the Kiwi attitudes to drugs in this topic. Nickdnz went to a school with a reputation for drugs, where 'most' of his mates have smoked weed. Jesus, I mean that is really tame. I'm not trying to belittle you or anything like that, but I really do think a sense of perspective is in order.

For me, I am surprised to meet anyone who hasn't smoked weed. It is literally that common. Ever since I first started going to parties at 13, someone has always had weed, and so, by the time you leave school, pretty much everyone has had ample oppurtunity to try it - and in my experience the only people I know who never smoked weed are the people who never went out at all.

Next, you talk of drugs such as LSD and E as 'hard' drugs. Well, firstly they are two different types of drug so you can't really group them together. Secondly, compared to heroin and crack, they are not hard drugs at all.

I really do think that, along with being educated about the dangers of drugs, people really ought to be taught about the reasons they are taken.

Hallucinogens, such as LSD, mushrooms and so on, are taken to give the user an out-of-body experience. The user is therefore trying o explore parts of his mind that are otherwise unaccessible.

Stimulants, such as Alcohol, Cocaine, Ecstasy, mephedrone etc. are taken to give the user more energy drive, and a greater sense of connectivity with people.

Depressants, such as marijuana and heroin, are taken to relax the user.

All of them have varying degrees of danger. But if you're making a scale, then weed is right at the bottom. They way it is being talked about here, you'd think it was at the other end with heroin and cocaine.

Furthermore, there's varying degrees that you can be classified as a 'stoner'. Most people who smoke weed do so very occasionally, if it's on offer. There's then a middle group, who will buy their own and smoke every day, but they won't be stoned all day. The people that need worrying about are the third class, the ones whose lifestyle is weed. They are always stoned, to the point where they hardly ever leave home.

Now, of all the people I know who have smoked weed, which is a lot of people, a tiny percentage, less than 5% i reckon, are in the 3rd category. Which in my experience suggests that weed is really not that big a problem at all, and certainly not the menacing substance it seems to be made out to be in this topc.